my brief thoughts on.... 'The Stuff'

Horror films from the 80's are a different breed of film making. Dare I say, they're a different creature? (all puns intended) It seemed like back then, creature features were all the rage and that was even using the limited FX they had available. Now, it seems almost taboo to venture into creature features, even with all of the CGI and FX leaps and bounds we've made. Yet, you can't deny the charm of the old days and ways. Funny thing is, you can't always go back. What I mean is that we tend to romanticize things from our past. What seemed like the be all end all of horror movie making, doesn't always hold up. For example, I loved the movie 'House' when I was a kid. William Katt fighting evil in a big spooky house.... who couldn't love that? Then I recently watched it again, it didn't hold up as well as I hoped it would. This is one of the reasons that I kind of stay away from going back to the "classics". I tried to watch 'Ghoulies' recently to and I had to turn it off. It was just so bad.

That brings us to this review of 'The Stuff'. This isn't really a creature feature, but there are plenty of special effects and they're not that great. However, it's not just the FX in question here. It's the story, the acting and the general film making. I know this is kind of considered a 'cult' classic and a lot of people love it to this day, but I just don't get why. Maybe I'm missing the boat of something, but I have seen plenty of films from this same time period that are as good today as they were back then. I know it's possible to retain quality. This movie just lacks so much and I found myself really losing interest about halfway through. The premise was interesting, all though far-fetched, and it had potential.... it just didn't seem to have the payoff.The silly plot goes like this: (taken from IMDB.com) "A delicious mysterious goo that oozes from the Earth is marketed as the newest dessert sensation. But the sugary treat rots more than teeth when zombie-like snackers begin infesting the world." That's actually the storyline! A hobo (for some reason) eats stuff bubbling up from the ground and finds it delicious. He shares it with a buddy and soon it's EVERYWHERE! A big corporation markets The Stuff as a taste treat and never thinks to test it to see if it's safe for human consumption. It turns out to be something people can't stop eating once they've tried it. Whole families have refridgerators full of nothing but The Stuff. Soon, a little boy figures out what's going on and begins a crusade to try and stop people from eating it. He's joined by an investigator who is also trying to dig up dirt on The Stuff. They find out the truth behind it all and are soon being chased down by hordes of "zombie" like consumers un the mind control of The Stuff. It's like some kind of alien parasite mind control thingy. People die, things explode, Stuff oozes out of people, it's a big mess. (SPOILER!) In the end, The Stuff is kind of stopped and justice is served.... or is it? The company that marketed The Stuff has redisgned it, with less 'Stuff' in it and are going to start selling it again.... or are they? Ugh.

That is WAY more involved then I wanted to get in this review. The movie just isn't very good and that's all there is to it. It really reaminds me of 'Halloween III: Season of the Witch', only that was way better than this. It has a similar concept of a big corporation out to do what's best for the bottom line or to flat out kill people. You have a couple of people who know the truth and are trying to stop the bad guys. You have bad 80's effects and all that comes with it. They feel like cousins. I kind of like watching 'Halloween III' every once in a while.... I don't think I ever need to watch 'The Stuff' again. Ever. Seriously.

At the end of the day, I'd give this movie 2 out of 5 stars. The only reason it got 2 instead of 1, is that it has a certain nostalgia and charm to it. Despite the garbage factor of it all, I still found myself enjoying a trip back to 1985. If you can stomach 'The Stuff', you've got a stronger stomach then me.

Other movies like this: 'Halloween III: Season of the Witch' and I can't think of anything else right now.

my very brief thoughts on.... 'Mask Maker: Meet Your Maker' aka 'Maskerade'

I'm going to keep this short, as I really want to get something up here besides my podcast updates and 'Gregory' promotions. I actually saw this movie several weeks ago and I have to say, I wasn't impressed. People said it was similar to 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre' and I can see why. I still had hopes for it, after a somewhat promising bit of the movie happened. Sadly, nothing ever got better and once the "Mask Maker" made a skin mask.... I lost all interest. the mask was probably realistic, if you were to skin a mans face off perfectly and wear it. But, I have to say that I doubt anyone could do that. It's where the comparison to 'TCM' comes in. The big difference is that in 'TCM', the FX guys realized that a perfect looking skin mask wasn't possible. Instead, Leatherface sews one together in pieces and it's far more interesting to look at and more realistic. This movies mask was just plain dull and uninspired. Which kind of defines the rest of the movie as well.

All in all, I give it 2 out of 5 stars for putting forth a little effort. I just hope that they don't make a sequel and I recommend that you don't bother watching it. Even on a rainy day, when you have nothing else to do. Garbage.

If you want to see the movie it's trying to mimic, rent any of the 'TCM' movies.... and I mean ANY of them. They're all better than this.

my very brief thoughts on.... 'Demons 2' aka 'Dèmoni 2: L'incubo ritorna'

I am going to keep this short, as this movie doesn't deserve many words.

I enjoyed the first 'Demons'. It was a fun little addition to the zombie sub-genre. That is the only reason I decided to watch this.... that and I enjoy Asia Argento's work. (I didn't realize she was only like 11 years old in this movie.) Anyway, this was terrible. I got so incredibly bored by the end that I didn't care about anyone in it. I didn't care who lived or who died. This gets 1 out of 5 stars. A sequel that never should have been made.

Instead of wasting an hour and a half on this, watch the original 'Demons' instead.

my thoughts on.... 'The Mutant Chronicles'

To open this review, let me provide you with a quote:

Severian (Anna Walton): "What do you believe?"

Maj. 'Mitch' Hunter (Thomas Jane): "I'm not paid to believe, I'm paid to fuck shit up."

That kind of sums up this movie, in a nutshell. It's all about "fucking shit up". There is a whole lot of style going on, but in the end.... not much substance. It's like the director, Simon Hunter, is trying way too hard to be Zack Snyder. Or to make his own mark on the film industry by creating a new world. The problem is that it all falls flat. I really wanted to like this movie and to tell everyone that their bad reviews were all unfounded. Sadly, they were all right. This is not a good movie. Granted, there are a lot of cool ideas going on and a lot of good things here. I just don't know what exactly it was about it that is so bad, it just doesn't work. I sat there for almost two hours trying as hard as I could to like something about the movie. There were so many things going on in it that I ususally love, but they're just presented in such a bland and uninteresting way that I didn't care. The action scenes were oddly paced and boring. The massive battle against the mutants was about as exciting as watching paint dry on a log. It just isn't good.

Here's the plot, basically: (from Netflix.com) "In a futuristic world where Earth is divided into four warring "Corporations," a frightening new breed of NecroMutant threatens to destroy the global population. But is Brother Samuel, the leader of an age-old monastic order, the prophesized Deliverer who's destined to destroy the undying beasts and save the planet? Seizing the chance to realize his destiny, Samuel rounds up an army of recruits who can help him do the job."I guess I can equate this with a 5 year old, in a 30 year old body, making a movie. It's every kids cool idea of what a movie should be. Mutants with scars and bolt and big knarly hook hands, army guys with big guns and swords, steam powered spaceships blowing things up and lots of blood and guts. You can almost picture it all as though it was a stick figure flip book that a kid drew during math class. You flip through it and so much is going on and it's so busy with action that you lose interest right away. I can only imagine that someone, somewhere thought that this movie was a good idea. Otherwise, it wouldn't have been made, right? I can't figure out how it got put on the big screen. It's just so bad. It reminds me of 'Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow'. Another movie with big hopes, but just fell so flat and ended up being such a mess of boring painfulness, that I was falling asleep. It was also all style and no substance and a waste of so much good talent. If the world was to end tomorrow, I would rather watch 'Webster' for 4 hours than to re-watch either of these movies. Yes, it is that bad.

So, in the end.... what's done is done, I can't un-watch it. There is a lot of good actors that did their best with what they had, but in the end were wasted. There is some awesome concepts and things that could have been epic, but just were presented in a way that destroyed any positive things that they had going for them. I still feel like 2 out of 5 stars is deserved. Not because it was redeeming at all, but because underneath everything.... there is a spark of hope that maybe something good could come of it all. Maybe everyone involved will learn what NOT to do next time. We can only hope. My advice, after all has been said and done.... watch the trailer posted below and decide for yourself, but be warned that everything you've heard about this movie is true. 'The Mutant Chronicles' is a prime example of a bad movie. Period.

Rather than recommend other movies to watch like this, go get a root canal.... it's more enjoyable.

my very brief thoughts on.... 'Murder Loves Killers Too'

I'll keep this short and simple, as I need a jump off point to start writing more serious reviews. 'Murder Loves Killers Too' is not good. The killer is uninteresting. We don't care about the characters. The plot is thin. The movie starts out with kills and just keeps going. This is just a pointless, stupid, waste of time. I put it in Netflix with a 1 out of 5 star review, but it really deserves less. I cannot believe that I even wasted time on this piece of garbage. Crap, crap, crap.

my very brief thoughts on.... 'Assault Girls' aka 'Asaruto gâruzu'

Good god, I hardly even want to write about this, so called, movie. It was so hard to sit through and was not very good at all. About the best thing going for this is the cinematography, but even that could be seen in any late night soft core porn. It's all soft lenses and pretty people. I highly recommend that you go play a video game and just record each of the little in-between movie things. That's basically what 'Assault Girls' is.... a one hour long video game storyline. There is no real plot, no real dialouge, no real point. It literally is 1 hour out of a video game with live action people. It just makes me angry even thinking about watching it.

The so-called "plot": (taken from Netflix.com) "When a video-game company creates an immersive gaming environment where players wage war against gigantic sand-dwelling monsters, three gorgeous gals armed to the teeth (Meisa Kuroki, Hinako Saeki and Rinko Kikuchi) accept the challenge and jump into the virtual desert. But as they blaze their way into the game's higher levels, they face ever-more ferocious foes." Let me clarify that by "ever-more ferocious foes", they mean the same worms with slightly different markings. THIS MOVIE WAS CRAP! grrrr....Let me get this review over with, it's just making me mad thinking about the time I wasted. 1 out of 5 stars, for the visuals ONLY! Watch the trailer, if you want, it's the only thing worthwhile about the movie. You get all of it in a short little clip. Seriously, this is not something I recommend to anyone. At all. Ever. Period. Pure and utter garbage.

If you like this, we can't be friends. Go stare at a video game for an hour, it's probably more exciting. Did I mention this was CRAP!

my very brief thoughts on.... 'Barb Wire'

I went into this expecting nothing. I was told, by some, that it was a good/bad movie. What I quickly learned in about 10 minutes of the movie was that this was going to be complete crap. I didn't enjoy a single thing about this movie. I don't like Pamela Anderson, she's a waste of space and truly overrated. I can't say anything nice about this movie, so I won't say anything more.

1 out of 5 stars. The best part of this movie is when it ended. 1996 must have been a bad time for action movies. I think I blocked it out or maybe it was just this one.

If you like this.... you need help.

my very brief thoughts on.... 'Four Boxes'

What does 'Four Boxes' mean? Well, it refers to 4 webcams set up and showing 4 different rooms in one house. It's an internet thing, you understand? I can honestly say after seeing this, that I wish I didn't know what it was about. This movie was about as pointless and dumb as they get. The characters were unlikable, the "villans" weren't interesting and in the end.... I felt like I wasted a lot of time for nothing. Think of the original 'April Fools Day', a huge let down. I don't understand why this movie had so much praise listed in the trailer, perhaps I'm missing something? I kind of doubt it though. This movie was nothing but a giant pile of crap with a tiny budget. 1 out of 5 stars at best. If you want to see a terrorist with a leaf blower of death wearing a studded lampshade on his head, then this is the movie for you.

My advice, eat a can of corn, take a crap in the toilet and count the number of corn in it, that would be more entertaining.

That's all I have to say about that.

my very brief thoughts on.... 'George A. Romero presents: Deadtime Stories vol. 1'

Okay, this pains me to say.... but I've been coming to this realization for a while now. George A. Romero is not the best film maker, unless it's zombie films. Granted, this collection of three short stories was not directed by him, but he put his name to it. This "movie" is not good. It's dumb, pointless and redundant. There is nothing new or original about this. Sadly, George isn't the only one involved in this that I respect.... Tom Savini made the third installment in the story. His installment is the closest one to having any redeeming qualities.

*SPOILERS!*Story 1: A woman is searching for her husband in a jungle. At the very beginning you see her face, bloodied, talking to the camera. At the end, SURPRISE!, her head in the beginning was actually on a stake!!!! She was killed by the same headhunters who killed her husband. Story 2: A man gets turned into a scary ass merman thingy by a scary ass mermaid thingy. Dumb. Story 3: A woman has a son that is having problems. A priestly man comes to help. After a LONG drawn out story, we find out that the man is actually the original vampire who turned the boy into a vampire! WHOA! He kills him and then kills the mom. The End. Now you don't have to bother watching it.I'm sorry George. I love your films and you, as a person. However, like with many other projects you've stuck your name to as either creator or producer.... this wasn't good. It doesn't mean I've given up on you, it just means I'll be leary of future projects that aren't zombie related. This was barely 1 out of 5 stars. It is an example of someone not taking the time to read about what exactly they were paying money for. Instead they just blindly gave money to someone to make this garbage. It's OnDemand, but that doesn't mean you need to watch it. Stay away.

Final note: vol. 2 is in the works. Sorry.

If you would rather watch a good anthology series, see: 'Trick r' Treat' or 'Creepshow'