Saturday, January 28, 2012

my thoughts on.... 'Paranormal Activity 3'

Let me start this review by saying that a lot of the trailer isn't in the film. Most obviously, the "Bloody Mary" sequence. Having read about the film after its release, I found out that there is a huge amount of additional footage that was shot and that this is what ended up in the trailer. In the end, tons ended up on the cutting room floor. Since the DVD release, you can now see it in the special features and they've also release a version of all 3 films called the 'Chronology'. It places all the films in order and includes additional footage. (This does not include the Japanese 'Paranormal Activity: Tokyo Night') With that clarified, we move on....

Anyone who's read my blog and my previous reviews of the other 'Paranormal Activity' films, knows that I am a big fan of them all. Despite the "uncoolness" of using the 'found footage' genre, these films continue to impress me and use that genre to its fullest potential. I think the market is a bit oversaturated, sure, but there is always room for anything that's good no matter what the format. That holds true for everything. Put out a good product and it will overcome any obstacles. When I came into this film, I was ready to see the series fall on it's rear end. I was hoping for something great, but expecting something mediocre or worse. When it was over and I was watching a blank screen, I felt like I took the rollarcoaster ride all over again. It was like this was the first film and it was all still brand new. I needed the references from the old films to make this one make sense, but taking that part out of the equation, it was a great film all on its own. It brought the slow burning creepiness from the others and the constant curiousity of what was going to happen next and from where. I was literally glued to the screen for the entire run time. The script was creative and kept the story alive, without it slipping into a cheesy soap opera comfort zone. It didn't really up the ante any, but rather kept things on an even playing field with the others.... that way you can watch them in any order and end up with the same result, fear. That, to me, is an accomplishment.

The story begins with a box of videotapes missing. The contents of the tapes are unknown, but the sisters from the original films eventually find out. While viewing the tapes, we flashback to 1988 when the girls are kids. Their home is haunted by a spirit or spirits (as mentioned in the original) and no one seems to see it, but them. As the activity becomes more and more intense, soon the adults are starting to see what's going on. As we delve deeper and deeper into the horrors of the spirits, we learn that something far more sinister may be going on underneath it all. That's my basic version of the storyline. I couldn't find one that really summed it up in a way that I agreed with. The story is there and complex enough, but it's really something you have to see to enjoy. It's one that plays on our deepest fears as a child and all of the things that we eventually grew out of. It kind of makes you wonder if perhaps what you were afraid of.... really was something to be afraid of. Granted, I am in need of a second viewing to really absorb the ending, as it is a bit 'unique' and I am not 100% sure how I feel about it. You'll have to make up your own mind on that one.As this is a sequel/prequel to the first two in the franchis, many of the same characters return. Maybe not in the way we met them, but as their younger selves for most of the film. It's a good plot device and a good way to get repeat viewers back into the storyline by having something familiar to latch on to. This film also answers a lot of questions laid out in previous installments. It also fills in some gaps and somehow advances the story in reverse. Not that we needed a visual explaination of the past events, but it's kind of nice to re-live it the way the girls did. There are many genuine scares here. Anytime you have little kids and ghosts mixed up, things get creepy. I'm not entirely sure why that is, but it's a proven formula and it's taken full advantage of here. Those wonderful little moments where a child sees something that isn't there. Is it really there? Or are they just imagining it? It also makes us wonder if when our kids are out of our sight, what is really going on? Are the things that happen to them really happening or is it just a game? It's all that much more striking when you have kids of your own and see this film.

Here's a quick timeline for the films, before I sum everything up: (in chronological order)

1) 'Paranormal Activity 3' (2011) [takes place in 2006 and 1988]

2) 'Paranormal Activity' (2007) [takes place in 2006]

3) 'Paranormal Activity: Tokyo Night' (2010) [according to Wiki, it takes place in 2010.... however, the storyline actually takes place in 2006, pretty much right after the original 'Paranormal Activity']

4) 'Paranormal Activity 2' (2010) [it takes place 2 months prior to the original and then immediately right after the end of the original]

Now that this one is under my belt, I'm already hearing rumors of a 4th in the franchise. I am concerned that this win streak can't go on forever. We'll just have to wait and see on that one. In the meantime, we have 3 solid films with 1 additional for good measure and that's plenty. If this was the end of it, so be it. This is yet another 4 star experience and one that will be added to my DVD library some day soon. It's a trip that I want to take again, to see what I missed and to have that creeped out feeling all over. This may not be the same way everyone will feel about 'Paranormal Activity 3'. I can already imagine that many of you think that this well has run dry or perhaps you won't like it because it's a prequel. However, you're in the minority. This film was very well received by critics and fans alike. Not saying that you're wrong, but rather just asking you to keep an open mind when you see it. You may be surprised at what you see. This isn't the greatest ghost story ever told. It's not the greatest horror film of all time. The acting isn't amazing and the direction isn't the best I've ever seen.... but that doesn't mean it can't be a great film anyway. Sometimes it just takes a good established storyline and a lot of heart. It seems funny to say that about something like this, but it's exactly the way I see it. This is a great chapter in a great story and one that I think will stick with me for years to come.

If you like this, check out the other three films: 'Paranormal Activity', 'Paranormal Activity 2' and 'Paranormal Activity: Tokyo Night'

my very brief thoughts on.... 'Parents' (1989)

If you just read my review of 'The Stuff', you might remember some of the nice things I said about it and the nostalgia of watching an 80's film.... none of that applies here. NONE OF THAT.

I am so unsure of what to write in this review. I have stayed away from 'Parents' (1989) for so long, as I always heard about how much of a "cult classic" it was and every review had good things to say. I have no freakin' clue what movie they were watching, but it couldn't have been this. I loathe this movie, if you can even call it that. I am still not 100% sure why in the hell I sat through the whole thing. It wasn't funny, it wasn't darkly comic, it wasn't a drama, it wasn't really horror, it wasn't really much of anything. The last time I was this ticked off about watching something was after I sat through 'Very Bad Things'. (man, that one SUCKED too!) Maybe I'm missing the point of this movie? I don't think so. I mean, I am a student of all things film. I love to watch anything and everything and have dedicated a good portion of my life to films. This however, is just so terrible that I have to warn you all to stay as far away from it as possible. It's like washing the blood off your hands after a murder, they just won't come clean. I can only dream of getting my hour and a half back. I did, however, sit through the entire thing (in the hopes it might redeem itself af the end) and tried really hard to get into it. It just has no point. None. Zero.

Here is the, so-called, plot: (taken from "Michael Laemie (played by Brian Madorsky) is a young boy living in a typical 1950's suburbanite home... except for his bizarre and horrific nightmares, and continued unease around his parents. Especially his father, Nick Laemie (played by Randy Quaid). Young Michael begins to suspect his parents are cooking more than just hamburgers on the grill outside, but has trouble explaining his fears to his new-found friend Sheila, or the school's social worker." What are they cooking you might ask? Human meat. Yup, they're cannibals. That is the whole thing in a nutshell.I am assuming that this first full length movie directed by Bob Balaban, was supposed to be some kind of dark satire. (and for those of you who don't know Bob Balaban, I think of him more as an actor.... look him up, you'll know exactly who he is) I kept trying to get some kind of subtext in the screenwriting about the 50's or the 80's or the dark comedy angle, but if it's there it must really be hidden. I couldn't see anything in all of the images and storyline that was anything more than a family in crisis. Two, not very good, parents who feed their child human flesh. A child that has horrific nightmares about this parents and see's them doing strange things and becomes suspicious. A counsler that doesn't buy into it all until it's too late and a bit of blood and guts. There isn't anything charming or enjoyable about watching this. The characters aren't likable, the lead is annoying, the script is boring at best and it just has an overall negative feel to it. It's kind of like watching a news story about puppies being killed for thier fur. You want to know why anyone would do that, but instead.... you just get to hear about and see puppies being turned into fur and no ending in sight. No explanation. Nothing at all. And in my opinion, I guess it's better that way. I really could care less about this family or anything to do with them.

So, here we are at the end of it all. I don't like to give anything a '0' star rating, but I can't in good faith give this anything but that. It's time I will never regain and a memory that bleach won't remove. It's 0 our of 5 stars and that's being generous. I don't know how this movie got made or why the people involved were involved in the first place. I have nothing good to say about this movie and I really like Randy Quaid and Bob Balaban.... I really do. Let's just move on from this disaster and stuff it away in the back part of our memories and try to block it out. I only hope that Hollywood doesn't ever get the bright idea to remake it. I don't think I could tolerate a world with two versions of this fiasco.

If you watch this, I can't compare it to anything else. I will merely recommend that you don't watch it and just punch yourself in the groin for an hour instead. (that goes for you too, ladies.)

Friday, January 27, 2012

my brief thoughts on.... 'The Stuff'

Horror films from the 80's are a different breed of film making. Dare I say, they're a different creature? (all puns intended) It seemed like back then, creature features were all the rage and that was even using the limited FX they had available. Now, it seems almost taboo to venture into creature features, even with all of the CGI and FX leaps and bounds we've made. Yet, you can't deny the charm of the old days and ways. Funny thing is, you can't always go back. What I mean is that we tend to romanticize things from our past. What seemed like the be all end all of horror movie making, doesn't always hold up. For example, I loved the movie 'House' when I was a kid. William Katt fighting evil in a big spooky house.... who couldn't love that? Then I recently watched it again, it didn't hold up as well as I hoped it would. This is one of the reasons that I kind of stay away from going back to the "classics". I tried to watch 'Ghoulies' recently to and I had to turn it off. It was just so bad.

That brings us to this review of 'The Stuff'. This isn't really a creature feature, but there are plenty of special effects and they're not that great. However, it's not just the FX in question here. It's the story, the acting and the general film making. I know this is kind of considered a 'cult' classic and a lot of people love it to this day, but I just don't get why. Maybe I'm missing the boat of something, but I have seen plenty of films from this same time period that are as good today as they were back then. I know it's possible to retain quality. This movie just lacks so much and I found myself really losing interest about halfway through. The premise was interesting, all though far-fetched, and it had potential.... it just didn't seem to have the payoff.The silly plot goes like this: (taken from "A delicious mysterious goo that oozes from the Earth is marketed as the newest dessert sensation. But the sugary treat rots more than teeth when zombie-like snackers begin infesting the world." That's actually the storyline! A hobo (for some reason) eats stuff bubbling up from the ground and finds it delicious. He shares it with a buddy and soon it's EVERYWHERE! A big corporation markets The Stuff as a taste treat and never thinks to test it to see if it's safe for human consumption. It turns out to be something people can't stop eating once they've tried it. Whole families have refridgerators full of nothing but The Stuff. Soon, a little boy figures out what's going on and begins a crusade to try and stop people from eating it. He's joined by an investigator who is also trying to dig up dirt on The Stuff. They find out the truth behind it all and are soon being chased down by hordes of "zombie" like consumers un the mind control of The Stuff. It's like some kind of alien parasite mind control thingy. People die, things explode, Stuff oozes out of people, it's a big mess. (SPOILER!) In the end, The Stuff is kind of stopped and justice is served.... or is it? The company that marketed The Stuff has redisgned it, with less 'Stuff' in it and are going to start selling it again.... or are they? Ugh.

That is WAY more involved then I wanted to get in this review. The movie just isn't very good and that's all there is to it. It really reaminds me of 'Halloween III: Season of the Witch', only that was way better than this. It has a similar concept of a big corporation out to do what's best for the bottom line or to flat out kill people. You have a couple of people who know the truth and are trying to stop the bad guys. You have bad 80's effects and all that comes with it. They feel like cousins. I kind of like watching 'Halloween III' every once in a while.... I don't think I ever need to watch 'The Stuff' again. Ever. Seriously.

At the end of the day, I'd give this movie 2 out of 5 stars. The only reason it got 2 instead of 1, is that it has a certain nostalgia and charm to it. Despite the garbage factor of it all, I still found myself enjoying a trip back to 1985. If you can stomach 'The Stuff', you've got a stronger stomach then me.

Other movies like this: 'Halloween III: Season of the Witch' and I can't think of anything else right now.

another week, another show....! ep 16 of 'The Sunshine Happy Kpants Hour' is finished. 'MORE BRAINS!'

The 16th episode of 'The Sunshine Happy Kpants Hour' is uploaded and now available through iTunes, Talkshoe and The Social Engine podcast pages!

I give you an odd show this week, as it's fueled by a Monster! I have an email and a song request, I talk about remakes, the joy of always being in touch with everyone, music from our youth and FUN zombie topics! It's a big show, but an odd show. ENJOY!

Songs played:

1) Wake Up by Story of the Year

2) Control Panel by MC Router

3) Banana Rejection by Silent Drive

4) The One by Stroke 9

5) Make Out Kids by Motion City Soundtrack

6) Find A Way by Smoosh

Friday, January 20, 2012

man, it's freezing out there....! 'The Sunshine Happy Kpants Hour' ep 15 is up and frozen solid.

The 15th episode of 'The Sunshine Happy Kpants Hour' is uploaded and now available through iTunes, Talkshoe and The Social Engine podcast pages!

This weeks show is a little loose, a little different music, but still a whole lotta goodness. My topics are deja vu, deja vu, the podcasting community at large and stinky zombies. ENJOY!

Songs played:

1) Nightclub by Andre Williams and the Goldstars

2) Ran by Allison's Invention

3) Shatter Me by An Electric Heart

4) Stop and Think by Sarah Borges and the Broken Singles

5) Don't You Know by Beth Bombara

6) Don't Go Looking For My Heart by Death By Unga Bunga

Friday, January 13, 2012

Friday the 13th.... 'The Sunshine Happy Kpants Hour', the only podcast endorsed by Jason Voorhees.

The 13th episode of 'The Sunshine Happy Kpants Hour' is uploaded and now available through iTunes, Talkshoe and The Social Engine podcast pages!

Today, is Friday the 13th and what better time to do a show? This is another slightly longer episode and I hope you don't mind. This weeks topics are why I hate the winter or why I don't as much anymore, the 'Friday the 13th' films and where to hide during a zombie outbreak. It's a loose show and hopefully a fun one. All the music is new again this week! ENJOY!

Songs played:

1) I Left My Heart by Strange Vacation

2) Watch This Space by Human Face

3) Janie by About The Mess

4) Blue And Brown by Scalar Fields

5) What She Said by P.T.'s Revenge

6) Waiting For The End by Northside Garage

Saturday, January 7, 2012

my thoughts on.... 'The Human Centipede II: Full Sequence'

I never claimed to be an uber-fan of the original 'Human Centipede' flim. However, I did defend it for being orignal and really quite well made. It has a grossly over-hyped reputation as being one of the sickest films of all time.

I hate to burst your bubble folks, but there are many many other films that are FAR worse than this. See 'A Serbian Film' and we'll talk again.

This film actually has very good actors involved and they carry the film and turn a very disturbing subject matter into something tolerable. The real standout is Dieter Laser. He plays the doctor with such amazing skill and charisma that you can't help but love him. He's a villan for the ages. Now, with all that being said, let's move on to the sequel. I have to say, I was really hesitant about another film being made in this series. It really felt after the first one, that there wasn't any other territory to cover. I was dead wrong. Tom Six, the writer/ director, know exactly what he was doing. He planned on a trilogy from the start and it is obvious once you see this film. He created a concept that made a unique and interesting follow up, without being boring or just a re-telling of part 1. He also found an actor who matched Dieter Laser's performance and may have even surpassed.... without ever saying a single word. Laurence R. Harvey, who plays our lead character Martin, is not your typical leading man. He's obese, unattractive, scary to look at and doesn't seem to have anything going for him. In other words, he's perfect for this film. The funny thing is, Mr. Harvey is a British stage veteran and, yes, one-time children's television performer. Not the resume you'd look for in a depraved role such as Martin. No matter what his past was or how he got the role, he is so good that you can't take his eyes off of him and you feel repulsed and attracted to him in the same time. Even if you watch this and can't make it through the whole thing, at least watch some of it, so you can see this amazing performance. I just can't get over how much I really enjoyed this film. And that makes me a little sick to my stomach, but only because of some of the things I witnessed. Now, onto the plot. (Yes, there is one.)

The plot is taken from "Martin is a mentally disturbed loner who lives with his mother in a bleak housing project. He works the night shift as a security guard in an equally grim and foreboding underground parking complex. To escape his dreary existence, Martin loses himself in the fantasy world of the cult horror film 'The Human Centipede (First Sequence)', fetishizing the meticulous surgical skills of the gifted Dr. Heiter, whose knowledge of the human gastrointestinal system inspires Martin to attempt the unthinkable." What they're referring to here is that Martin desires to make his own centipede and working at night in a parking garage affords him that possability. One by one, he begins collecting people to build his own monster. Meanwhile, things at home are going from bad to worse and he slowly slips further and futher into his delisions. When he finally begins 'construction' on his centipede, he quickly learns that he doesn't have the medical skills to do it the way the doctor does in the film. His alternate plan of action is.... well, frightening and thank god it's in black and white. I don't want to give away anymore of the plot than that. Needless to say, it's extremely original and blurs the lines of reality and fiction. The only version available right now is the censored version. There is an uncensored one that is set to appear soon, but Tom Six (the director) is just trying to get it to see the light of day. There are at least 3 scenes I know of, that were cut and they sound pretty disturbing. Although, there is one scene in this film that makes the entire first one look tame. Oh and I forgot to mention, Martin has twelve people for his creature.... that makes this much larger than the 3 person version in part one.'The Human Centipede II: Full Sequence' was filmed entirely in color, but converted to black and white in post production. I hear that there are a couple of color scenes still, but they were left out of the version I saw. The film was originally scheduled for a straight-to-DVD release. It was then banned in the United Kingdom by the BBFC because of its "revolting" content, but was eventually granted an 18 certificate after over 32 cuts were made. That means there is a lot of material that was left out and I've only heard of three of them. This could mean a very jam packed Blu-ray release. This film was released in theaters, on a limited run, but has not made it around the entire world just yet. That's why I believe there is still hope for a full, uncut version to make it here to the states. Now, once you see all of the things portrayed in this film, you'll be glad that it's in black and white. The blood is only part of it and what your mind can create out of the parts that are missing, are far worse then anything that was really filmed. I can imagine that if the final scene was in color, it would hit you like a punch in the throat with a metal glove. Because after spending an hour and a half getting used to the lack or color, the sudden addition of it would be shocking to the system.... just like the film itself.

Before I finish this review and give you my final rating on it all, I want to go back to the characters in this film. Tom Six must have had a messed up childhood or has a really sick and twisted imagination. Between the mother of Martin, his sexually depraved doctor and his asshole neighbor, you actually are rooting for him to torture and kill them all by the end. I know I hated the supporting characters far more than Martin, who was the sickest of them all. But Tom Six built the story up in such a way, that you feel sorry for Martin and look to him as an anti-hero or a man with a reason for his actions. He is basically a monster that was built by a perfect storm of situations in his upbringin. Perhaps, if he wasn't raised the way he was, he may have turned out fine. It's also kind of funny that Tom Six would point some of the blame back on himself. Martin is the way he is, because of his life prior to 'The Human Centipede'.... but 'The Human Centipede' also pushed him over the edge and into a very dark place. It gave him some extremely twisted and horrific ideas that he ended up carrying out on a lot of innocent men, women and children. It takes some balls to say that what you've created may cause others to act out and do terrible things.

All in all, I am sure there is a lot more I could say about this film. I feel like I have left out a lot. However, I don't want to give away any more possible plot points and I want to leave you with some desire to fill in the blanks that I left out of here on purpose. That being said, this is a solid 4 out of 5 stars. It's a rare example of a sequel that didn't so much surpass it's predecessor, but rather built up on it and moved the story forward. It actually made the first film stronger and in turn, made itself stronger too. Usually the sequel is a time for the film maker's to rest on their laurels and just give the audience more of the same from the first film. That's kind of the rule in movies. Tom Six didn't seem to get that memo or he chose to ignore it. The root of this film is basically the same as the orignal, but it's oh so much more. I plan on adding this and the first one to my collection as soon as I can. I can't say that I'll run out and recommend it to every friend I have, but for those who are adventurous and like their horror a little more "unique".... this will be at the top of my list. Go see it, if you dare.

Before seeing this film, you must see: 'The Human Centipede: First Sequence', but if you want to see something 20 times more depraved than both of these films put together, track down 'A Serbian Film'.... but don't say I didn't warn you. There are some things you can never unsee.

here's something new to the blog.... A RECIPIE....?!?!

Those of you who follow me on Facebook, already know about my several week long struggle to perfect a dish. The following recipie is where I've stopped messing with it. I don't think it's perfect, but I need a break from it. Therefore, check out the ingredients and try it for yourself or.... feel free to tweak it and post your own results. This is still a work in progress. ENJOY!

‎'Shrimp de Joel-ge'
16 shrimp, deveined, de-tailed, pre-cooked and chopped
1 1/4 cup egg noodles
1 tbs light sour cream
3/4 cup fresh yellow onion, chopped
1/2 tbs extra virgin olive oil
1 tbs Country Crock light
1/8 tsp freshly ground pepper
1/4 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp Pacific sea salt
1 tsp chives
2 tbs real bacon pieces

First, cook the noodles in boiling water, until they reach your personal desired softness. While this is boiling, heat your olive oil up in a pan. Once the oil is hot, dump the shrimp and onions in and begin to cook them. When the noodles are done, drain the water off and leave the noodles until the rest is ready to be mixed. Once the shrimp and onions seem cooked to your liking, dump the noodles, bacon, spices, sour cream and butter into the same pan. Cook them all together in the pan, until you're happy with the look of the dish. Be sure to keep a close eye on the pan, as the mixture can get too hot or cook to long and begin to stick. Once you feel it's done, place it on a plate and dig it! (I don't have any recommended side dishes, it's plenty of food on its own!)

Total calories, based on this exact recipie:
497 calories per serving.
(this recipie makes one big serving or, if you want to include a side, this is enough to share! ENJOY!)

side note: all quantities are open to suggestions and changes, tweak as you see fit.

Friday, January 6, 2012

my thoughts on.... 'Hostel: part III'

As I sit here watching 'Hostel: part II' and writing this review, I'm reminded what it is about the 'Hostel' films that I enjoyed. However, that same feeling isn't felt in the 3rd installment of this unexpected franchise. Like the 'Saw' films, this concept never struck me as something that would go on and on. 'Saw' seems to have found a solid formula that blends the traps, with the character of Jigsaw and a rather obvious soap opera storyline. The 'Hostel' films just haven't found that groove. The 2nd film was still written and directed by Eli Roth, the man behind the 1st film. Because of that, it still felt the same and had a good storyline. This new chapter was directed by Scott Spiegel, the producer from the first two. I have to give him credit for taking the reins and feeling confident in his skills, but it just never seems to come together. The storyline is okay, the actors involved are pretty good and it looks okay on paper. Sadly, the writer, Michael D. Weiss just doesn't quite get the big picture of it all. He has a resume that reads like a bad day of watching the SyFy channel and that doesn't seem to matter to the people who paid to make this direct to DVD title. What he did, was to take out the "scary" part of the storyline. What makes 'Hostel' 1 and 2 frightening, isn't the torture and killing of random strangers, it's the fact that it takes place in remote and unfamiliar places. Anyone who travels can tell you that it can be rather scary when you're in a place you don't recognize and have no control over what's going on. Throw in the "evil hunting club" that seems to have its eyes everywhere and you've got something to work with. Michael D. Weiss put the story in a very familiar place, Las Vegas. He made the Elite Hunting Club, a very open organization who bet on the kills. It wasn't about an audience for the members paying to kill people. It was about the thrill of doing whatever you want to whoever you want and not worrying about getting caught. You could live out any single fantasy you've ever had. If you had money, you could be a murderer.... if even for one day. The original films also focused on the survival of the characters and their will to live. It also gave us a glimpse at what someone is capable of when they're pushed to their breaking point. It was about redemption. This all seemed to be missing in 'Hostel: part III'. And the ending? Well, let's just say it was cliche, unreal and downright stupid. It really ruined any other parts of the movie that might have kept me interested. Let's stop here and get to the plot.

This is taken from "While attending a bachelor party in Las Vegas, four friends are enticed by two sexy escorts to join them at a private party way off the Strip. Once there, they are horrified to find themselves the subjects of a perverse game of torture, where members of the Elite Hunting Club are hosting the most sadistic show in town." This isn't 100% accurate. Only ONE of the guys is taken by the EHC from the bachelor party. The rest of the guys spend the next half of the movie looking for him and in the process, getting captured and killed by the EHC. There is a slight twist at the ending and, of course, Mr. Weiss felt it necessary to try and shove some redemption in for good measure. Again, this storyline had potential and might of worked if it took place somewhere in the Ukraine or in a tiny part of Japan or something, but Las Vegas? That's one of the last places to be subtle. It's like he thought that the "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" motto could carry the whole movie. He also thought that the one line quoted from the movie, "The house always wins." was clever. It wasn't.

I feel bad whenever I have to write a negative review. I especially feel bad when it's a movie that's part of a series I really enjoy and find myself defending regularly. I just can't defend this one, sorry. I wish the cast could have done more with what they had. I mean, they did their best I suppose. You have Kip Purdue, who recently did a great job in the movie 'The Wizard of Gore'. You also have, John Hensley, who was great in the short-lived TV series 'Witchblade'. When you add the interesting Thomas Kretschmann into the mix, you have a formula for something good.... but again, this didn't help 'Hostel: part III'. It was like everyone was sleepwalking for a paycheck. It's like this whole movie was thought up in a boardroom with 'Awesome-O' in the big chair pitching ideas every 5 minutes. This movie doesn't ring of something that was created out of love for the franchise, it stinks of money and boredom. I really wish, deep down, that either this movie would never have been made or that Eli Roth would have felt enough desire to come back one more time. Perhaps, he'll make a return for part IV? In the meantime, I guess I'll just have to live with 2 out of 3.

Before I finish up this review and give you my final thoughts, there is one more thing I wanted to touch on: the kills. In this chapter, the killers are almost 'cartoon-ish'. Take the "crossbow" killer. The character is listed on IMDB as the 'Japanese Cyber Punk Girl' and that is a VERY accurate description. If this was a post-apocalyptic action movie, she would have been perfect casting. However, this was a modern day cautionary tale.... she was grossly out of place. Her tactics were lame, her look was ridiculous and I couldn't wait for it to end. It was painful. There also is a scene involving a girl dressed like a cheerleader and some giant hissing cockroaches. It was the dumbest thing I've seen in years. It pretty much killed what Eli Roth created. It had horrible CGI and just felt like something created on MS Paint for a class project. Not too mention the 'climactic final battle' scene. I nearly threw up when it started. It was all I could do to not shut it off and watch 'The Wild Wild West' with Will Smith. That would have been far less painful. I stuck it out though and let me say, it wasn't worth it. The only other thing I have to say is that none of the original charcters were back. Not the front desk guy at the hostel or the 'bubblegum kids' or even any of the more minor characters. Basically, you take the "hostel" out of 'Hostel' and you make your audience hostile. (See what I did there? Far more cleven than this piece of crap.) My ultimate advice, stay away from this one. I give it 2 out of 5 stars. I wanted to do more, but I just can't find the heart to give it anything higher. Eli, you were smart to stay away from this one. At least I can still respect you in the morning.

Instead of watching this, watch the original films: 'Hostel' and 'Hostel: part II' and maybe even Eli's first outing, 'Cabin Fever' (Which had an equally awful follow up, NOT directed by Eli Roth. However, Ti West, who did direct it.... has skills. Watch 'The House of the Devil' and you'll see that he's not unskilled.)

The 13th episode of 'The Sunshine Happy Kpants Hour' is up and FRESHLY squeezed.

The 13th episode of 'The Sunshine Happy Kpants Hour' is uploaded and now available through iTunes, Talkshoe and The Social Engine podcast pages! It's a Christmas special just for you!

The first episode of the new year and things are already rolling along fine. Music Alley is back up, so that means NEW music! I spend two segments giving you more useless facts and a zombie discussion about virus and plague films you should see. I'm happy with the new year so far and I hope you will be too. ENJOY!

Songs played:

1) No Sympathy For The Dead by Escape The Fate

2) Modern Day Love Song by Proof I Exist

3) Too Stupid by Love Deficiency

4) Hung Out To Dry by Human Face

5) Your Bloody Frankenstein by The Erotics

6) The Ransom by Escape The Fate


Films that were mentioned:

1) 28 Days Later

2) 28 Weeks Later

3) [REC]

4) [REC]2

5) Quarantine

6) Quarantine 2: Terminal

7) Mutants

8) The Crazies (2009)


A film that deserves a second look:

1) The Mad (Billy Zane)


Not a virus or plague, but sorta like zombies:

1) Bad Taste

2) The Omega Man


It might be a succubus:

1) Dead Girl