my thoughts on.... 'The Mutant Chronicles'

To open this review, let me provide you with a quote:

Severian (Anna Walton): "What do you believe?"

Maj. 'Mitch' Hunter (Thomas Jane): "I'm not paid to believe, I'm paid to fuck shit up."

That kind of sums up this movie, in a nutshell. It's all about "fucking shit up". There is a whole lot of style going on, but in the end.... not much substance. It's like the director, Simon Hunter, is trying way too hard to be Zack Snyder. Or to make his own mark on the film industry by creating a new world. The problem is that it all falls flat. I really wanted to like this movie and to tell everyone that their bad reviews were all unfounded. Sadly, they were all right. This is not a good movie. Granted, there are a lot of cool ideas going on and a lot of good things here. I just don't know what exactly it was about it that is so bad, it just doesn't work. I sat there for almost two hours trying as hard as I could to like something about the movie. There were so many things going on in it that I ususally love, but they're just presented in such a bland and uninteresting way that I didn't care. The action scenes were oddly paced and boring. The massive battle against the mutants was about as exciting as watching paint dry on a log. It just isn't good.

Here's the plot, basically: (from Netflix.com) "In a futuristic world where Earth is divided into four warring "Corporations," a frightening new breed of NecroMutant threatens to destroy the global population. But is Brother Samuel, the leader of an age-old monastic order, the prophesized Deliverer who's destined to destroy the undying beasts and save the planet? Seizing the chance to realize his destiny, Samuel rounds up an army of recruits who can help him do the job."I guess I can equate this with a 5 year old, in a 30 year old body, making a movie. It's every kids cool idea of what a movie should be. Mutants with scars and bolt and big knarly hook hands, army guys with big guns and swords, steam powered spaceships blowing things up and lots of blood and guts. You can almost picture it all as though it was a stick figure flip book that a kid drew during math class. You flip through it and so much is going on and it's so busy with action that you lose interest right away. I can only imagine that someone, somewhere thought that this movie was a good idea. Otherwise, it wouldn't have been made, right? I can't figure out how it got put on the big screen. It's just so bad. It reminds me of 'Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow'. Another movie with big hopes, but just fell so flat and ended up being such a mess of boring painfulness, that I was falling asleep. It was also all style and no substance and a waste of so much good talent. If the world was to end tomorrow, I would rather watch 'Webster' for 4 hours than to re-watch either of these movies. Yes, it is that bad.

So, in the end.... what's done is done, I can't un-watch it. There is a lot of good actors that did their best with what they had, but in the end were wasted. There is some awesome concepts and things that could have been epic, but just were presented in a way that destroyed any positive things that they had going for them. I still feel like 2 out of 5 stars is deserved. Not because it was redeeming at all, but because underneath everything.... there is a spark of hope that maybe something good could come of it all. Maybe everyone involved will learn what NOT to do next time. We can only hope. My advice, after all has been said and done.... watch the trailer posted below and decide for yourself, but be warned that everything you've heard about this movie is true. 'The Mutant Chronicles' is a prime example of a bad movie. Period.

Rather than recommend other movies to watch like this, go get a root canal.... it's more enjoyable.

my brief thoughts on.... 'Wrong Turn 3: Left For Dead'

Let me start by saying that I'm not a big fan of the Eliza Dusku original 'Wrong Turn'. I've seen it, but it didn't do a whole lot for me. The sequel, 'Wrong Turn 2: Dead End' starring Henry Rollins, was a whole different story. I enjoyed that one a lot and it just made more sense overall. Needless to say, I was hesitant to watch a direct to DVD release of the 3rd movie. It just didn't sing to me, at all. For some reason, curiousity got the best of me and I watched it last night. What I saw, I didn't hate.... but I was very far off from loving it. It only had two of the mutant inbred killers in it and it just felt low quality. The plot was trying to be original and just came off as kind of silly. There are huge continuity errors and implausabilities. It is what it is, cheap and simple.

The plot, this time around is: (from Netflix.com) "A group of friends heads for the woods, only to end up on the menu for a cannibalistic mutant known as Three Finger. Only Fonda (Janet Montgomery) manages to survive, and she's soon joined by a truckload of escaped convicts also fleeing the ravenous freak. Throw in a cache of stolen money to distract the escapees and an unsuspecting search party, and it's a virtual smorgasbord for Three Finger." Does that plot sound interesting to you?There are no stars in this, but the director Declan O'Brien is famous for directing the amazing 'Sharktopus'. (i'm being sarcastic) The plot feels old and redone. The killers are kind of silly. The directing and film quality are subpar. The only real reason to watch this, is to keep some kind of continuity in the world of 'Wrong Turn'. This is a 2 star outing instead of 1 star for two reasons. 1) It feels very old school horror, like an installment in the 'Friday the 13th' series. 2) It has some interesting kills. They're over the top and pretty silly, but you can't help but have fun anyway. I gave it 2 out of 5 stars for being a one off watching experience.

The 4th installment is already underway and soon to be released. Luckily it sounds like an origin story/prequel. That could prove interesting, if done right. I just don't know if I'll ever understand the attraction of the killer deformed hillbilly's.

If you like this, go ahead and watch the other three, 'Wrong Turn', 'Wrong Turn 2: Dead End' and 'Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings'

my brief thoughts on.... 'Vertige aka High Lane'

I praise the French on a regular basis for their expertise in horror filmmaking. I have yet to see one of their films that I didn't like. I recently watched the French survival horror film called 'Vertige aka High Lane'. One part 'The Descent' (in regards to going 'off the beaten path' for adventure storyline) and one part 'Wrong Turn'. However, the comparison to these two other films only goes so far, as 'High Lane' never really got off the ground. It started out strong enough and showed some promise, but the further into into the story I went the less and less I cared what happened. It really pains me to say that because I love the French horror cinema so much. However, I am not going to lie to you about what I saw.... it was only mediocre at best. I mean, any film that starts out heading in one direction and then makes a bit of a left turn suddenly, it better have a good reason for it. I just never saw it here.

The plot from http://www.Netflix.com: "In this French thriller, a mountain climbing trail closed to the rest of civilization becomes a path to adventure and horror for a group of friends who dare to go beyond its barriers. It's not just because they trespassed into forbidden territory or because they're testing the laws of gravity. It's because they're not the only ones willing to push the envelope out there, and their visitor isn't very welcoming at all." That basically sums it up, however the "visitor" is more of an inbred mutant type thing. (see the photo below.)
I really wish this would have been better. The biggest problem is that this territory has been rehashed a lot in the past decade and finding a new story to tell is nearly impossible. And this film only had one inbred mutant guy and he was uninteresting and uninspired. I could've cared less if he was even in the film. As far as I'm concerned, this would have been just as interesting if it was strictly about the friends trying to get back to civilization. Not too mention that the Netflix OnDemand version of the film was dubbed, not subtitled. That always makes foreign films really hard to watch because you focus more on the dubbing than the acting. 'High Lane' did however leave a little bit of a positive impression. I actually gave it a 3 out of 5 rating, even with all the flaws it was still better than a lot of garbage that's out there. I just wish the filmmakers had realized the changes they needed to make before they made this. It could've been a whole lot better.

If you're bored this upcoming Friday and you've seen every other French horror that's out there, give this one a chance. Maybe I'm just jaded about this genre. Perhaps this film is a whole lot better than I'm giving it credit for. It could've been that I was just expecting too much, the French can't always make a winner. Everyone deserves a less than stellar outing every once in a while. Hell, we're all guilty of it once in a while. This review may be my 'less than stellar outing'.... who knows?

if you want something similar, but maybe better: 'Wrong Turn 2', 'The Hills Have Eyes' (2006) and 'The Hills Have Eyes 2' (2007)

my brief thoughts on.... 'Mutants' (2009)

i've been a cheerleader of French horror films for quite some time now and for good reason.... they've proven that we're not necessarily on the top of the food chain here in America.... i never thought that i would look elsewhere for high quality scares, but i can't ignore what the French have produced and in many circles it could even be called art.... therefore, anytime i hear of a new film being made in France my mouth starts to water.... somehow 'Mutants' slipped under my radar though.... and i stumbled upon it totally by accident.... it kinds of ticks me off that i took so long to find this.... it's the perfect set up for a flim for me.... mutant/zombie type creatures running around in a semi-post-apocylapic world and people fighting to survive.... it's the perfect combination for me.... my bread and butter of horror films.... that's why it bothered me to have missed out on this one for so long.... i can't say that i recognized anyone in this film.... from the director all the way down.... everyone was unfamiliar.... i think that kind of lends itself to a better moviegoing experience.... so the question is: was this worth all buildup and waiting....? well, let's find out.

as mentioned just sentences ago, this film is set in a semi-post-apocalyptic world where a zombie/mutant/virus has broken out and much of the population has turned into monsters.... the few who've survived are scavengers and are fighting for their lives.... 'Mutants' focuses on a couple, one who is pregnant and a survivor of a bite from a creature and is trying to get her blood out to provide a cure.... the father of her child is with her, but has been bitten and is slowly starting to turn into one of the creatures.... they take refuge in an abandoned hospital and try and hold out for help from the army.... most of the film is a waiting game, but soon strangers show up and upset the balance.... and as the man is losing his fight, the woman must decide whether to put him out of his misery or hope for help and a cure....?
honestly, i had to watch this twice.... i was so exhausted the first go around, that i had to stop it because i didn't want to fall asleep.... in hindsight, i'm glad i made that decision.... the second time around i was able to fully focus on the storyline and enjoy it.... this is not the best French horror film i've seen this year, but it's still quite a bit better than most of the other horror movies i've watched, American or otherwise.... it is shot beautifullyand the creature effects are superb.... the sets and locations are amazing and it has a strong beginning, middle and end.... if anything i could say that's bad about this....? it's that it does slow down a bit too much in the 2nd act.... if you're not 100% committed to the viewing experience than you may lose interest.... but if you can hold on, you will be satisfied by the end.... this is a one off film in my opinion.... it would lessen it to make a sequel.... i can't say that i'll own this one, unless i find a really good deal on it someday.... however, i am glad that it finally found it's way into my DVD player so i could enjoy a short trip from reality.... i gave it a 3 out of 5 star reception and wonder if it might get better with repeated viewings....? it is only available to rent at this time.... i think that it's worth it.... just be well rested before you settle in for this dark little gem.

if you like this, also see: 'La Horde aka The Horde', '28 Days Later' and '[REC]'

my very brief thoughts on.... 'Mulberry Street' (2006)

After Dark's '8 Films to Die For' are kind of hit and miss.... i don't base my decision to watch a movie based on if it's one of their's or not.... but this particular one caught my attention.... even if the premise seemed kind of bizarre, it got good reviews and it was enough for me to want to watch it.... and it started off really strong.... the cinematography in this movie is excellent.... it has a specific feel to it and it's the perfect feeling for this type of movie.... sadly, the premise of it drove this movie into the ground....

let me give you the short version.... it's hot, it's in the city, a bunch of people live in a neighborhood where rats bite someone and soon everyone starts turning into giant rat/zombies.... the rest of the movie centers on the people in the neighborhood trying to save their own lives....
i really tried hard to like this movie.... like i said, it was really well shot.... the script was decent.... even the special effects were pretty damn cool.... despite all of that, this movie just doesn't hold water.... the idea of giant rat/zombies just seems to dated.... like something out of the 80's, but with modern effects.... the sad thing is that it just doesn't have the same charm as those movies did.... i gave it only 2 out of 5 stars.... i just shudder at how much worse it would have been if it wasn't for the way it was shot.... and i think if the giant rat/zombies would have been infected humans with some kind of craziness or actual zombies, this could have been a really kick ass movie.... maybe not a ground breaking piece of horror, but a good addtion to the zombie/crazy human genre.... so that's it.... if you decide to watch it, make sure you have plenty of rat traps and booze.

better versions of zombie or crazy people movies (minus the giant rat/ zombies): 'Dawn of the Dead' (2004), '28 Weeks Later', and 'Undead'

my brief thoughts on.... 'It's Alive' (1974)

Netflix summary of this reads that it's full of "giggles and gore".... i found no giggles and no gore.... as a matter of fact it's rated PG....! it's kind of dull, dated and slow.... the baby was done fairly well, but that was about it.... the only saving grace of this movie was the last line.... otherwise it wasn't really worth the time to invest in it....

a mutant baby is born.... kills all the doctors and nurses in the birthing room.... escapes.... goes on a killing spree.... the entire police force are out looking for the baby mutant.... things happen and it ends....2 out of 5 stars.... the extra star is strictly for the final line of dialouge.... otherwise not worth the time.

this movie has sequels and a remake, if you're interested: 'It's Alive 2: It Lives Again', 'It's Alive 3: Island of the Alive' and 'It's Alive' (2008)

my thoughts on.... 'Pandorum'

i cannot express the joy i get when i find a diamond in the rough.... when you stumble across a film that takes you by suprise and turns out to be so much more than you could have ever hoped for.... this is one of those rare films.... i had never even heard of this before i ran across it in the new OnDemand movies on Netflix.... the plot sounded interesting, the actors involved were good and it got a pretty high rating.... when it started, i noticed that one of the producers was Paul W.S. Anderon, who's done some excellent films in his day.... i knew it was going to be a bit more than i originally had expected.... as he doesn't make crap.... i wasn't wrong.... the film is so much more than what the small blurb explaining the plot lets on.... this movie is grand in scope, despite it's humble beginnings.... it's like a pot of water that starts out cool and slowly builds to a boil and then boils over the top of the pot and hisses on the stovetop.... i can't say enough good things about it.... there are very few moments that this movie showed weak spots....

two crewmen on a spacecraft wake up from hypersleep and have no idea who they are, where they are or what their mission is.... slowly the storyline creeps along as we find out in small doses exactly what the characters are finding out.... it's like you're another member of the crew with the same issues.... i don't want to give away too much of the plot as it's so much more enjoyable to just see what happens on you're own.... regardless, it's WELL worth the time for you to invest in this as it's an excellent film that should have gotten a lot more notice than it did.... what i mean is that more people need to know about this film. i'm gushing at this point and i don't care.... i loved this movie so much.... it had everything that i wanted in a hard sci-fi film.... excitement, blood, intrigue, cool weapons, a nifty spaceship, a great storyline, well thought out characters and an excellent script.... this movie has so much going for it, it's silly.... at this point i think i've built it up too much.... so please don't go into this expecting the next 'Matrix' movie or 'District 9'.... go in with no expectations and you'll be rewarded greatly.... it's just that simple.... watch this movie.

4 out of 5 stars.... almost 5 out of 5.... i will be adding this one to my DVD collection at some point and look forward to taking the roller coaster ride again.... it's just a shame that i can't experience it with the same set of fresh eyes i had last night.... however, i think it will stand the test of time and will hold up over the years.... so add this to your queue.... grab a bucket of popcorn and a Coke and settle in for a thrill ride.... because that's exactly what'll you'll get as your reward for listening to this humble reviewers advice.... if i'm wrong, i'll give you your money back.... (good thing it's free.).... just enjoy it and thank me later.

if you like this, watch: 'Sunshine', 'Event Horizon' and 'Pitch Black'