Sunday, September 11, 2011

my thoughts on.... 'The Mutant Chronicles'

To open this review, let me provide you with a quote:

Severian (Anna Walton): "What do you believe?"

Maj. 'Mitch' Hunter (Thomas Jane): "I'm not paid to believe, I'm paid to fuck shit up."

That kind of sums up this movie, in a nutshell. It's all about "fucking shit up". There is a whole lot of style going on, but in the end.... not much substance. It's like the director, Simon Hunter, is trying way too hard to be Zack Snyder. Or to make his own mark on the film industry by creating a new world. The problem is that it all falls flat. I really wanted to like this movie and to tell everyone that their bad reviews were all unfounded. Sadly, they were all right. This is not a good movie. Granted, there are a lot of cool ideas going on and a lot of good things here. I just don't know what exactly it was about it that is so bad, it just doesn't work. I sat there for almost two hours trying as hard as I could to like something about the movie. There were so many things going on in it that I ususally love, but they're just presented in such a bland and uninteresting way that I didn't care. The action scenes were oddly paced and boring. The massive battle against the mutants was about as exciting as watching paint dry on a log. It just isn't good.

Here's the plot, basically: (from "In a futuristic world where Earth is divided into four warring "Corporations," a frightening new breed of NecroMutant threatens to destroy the global population. But is Brother Samuel, the leader of an age-old monastic order, the prophesized Deliverer who's destined to destroy the undying beasts and save the planet? Seizing the chance to realize his destiny, Samuel rounds up an army of recruits who can help him do the job."I guess I can equate this with a 5 year old, in a 30 year old body, making a movie. It's every kids cool idea of what a movie should be. Mutants with scars and bolt and big knarly hook hands, army guys with big guns and swords, steam powered spaceships blowing things up and lots of blood and guts. You can almost picture it all as though it was a stick figure flip book that a kid drew during math class. You flip through it and so much is going on and it's so busy with action that you lose interest right away. I can only imagine that someone, somewhere thought that this movie was a good idea. Otherwise, it wouldn't have been made, right? I can't figure out how it got put on the big screen. It's just so bad. It reminds me of 'Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow'. Another movie with big hopes, but just fell so flat and ended up being such a mess of boring painfulness, that I was falling asleep. It was also all style and no substance and a waste of so much good talent. If the world was to end tomorrow, I would rather watch 'Webster' for 4 hours than to re-watch either of these movies. Yes, it is that bad.

So, in the end.... what's done is done, I can't un-watch it. There is a lot of good actors that did their best with what they had, but in the end were wasted. There is some awesome concepts and things that could have been epic, but just were presented in a way that destroyed any positive things that they had going for them. I still feel like 2 out of 5 stars is deserved. Not because it was redeeming at all, but because underneath everything.... there is a spark of hope that maybe something good could come of it all. Maybe everyone involved will learn what NOT to do next time. We can only hope. My advice, after all has been said and done.... watch the trailer posted below and decide for yourself, but be warned that everything you've heard about this movie is true. 'The Mutant Chronicles' is a prime example of a bad movie. Period.

Rather than recommend other movies to watch like this, go get a root canal.... it's more enjoyable.

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