another GIANT blog update....!

I just posted this update on Facebook, but I also wanted to include it here for those who aren't on my Facebook. I've spent another 3 days updating my blog. This time, I decided to post trailers for every movie I review from now on. However, I couldn't just leave it at that.... I had to go back to all the old reviews and add them there too. So from now on you can expect on each review: 1 poster or DVD cover for the movie being reviewed, 1 screencap from the movie, the trailer for the movie, tags so the movies are easier to find, suggestions for other movies and of course my review. I know I'm probably going off the deep end by doing this, but I haven't been 100% inspired to write reviews.... so this allowed me to be creative and made the blog more coprhensive for you all and any new readers. I want to make this the best blog I can. So, that's it.... this should be the last changes I make. (i think.) Pretty soon I'll post a new review, but until then.... I leave you with this: 'Titanic II' a movie I don't think I ever need to see. It just seems wrong all on kinds of levels. Why make a "sequel" to the worst oceanic tragedy that ever occured and make it basically the same thing in modern times? I guess some more out of work actors needed something to do. Also, the direct to DVD market isn't saturated enough.... they had to add one more piece of crap that will eventually land in the $1.00 cutout DVD bin. Look for that coming to a DVD store soon. Enjoy!

(why wouldn't you even get on this boat?!?!)

my very brief thoughts on.... 'Jack Ketchum's Offspring'

The first Jack Ketchum adaptation I saw was 'The Girl Next Door', it was horrifying. It wasn't a 'horror' movie, but the subject matter was extremely hard to watch. The next one I watched was 'The Lost'. I still haven't made it the whole way through. For some reason I just couldn't get into it. Recently I've been reading alot about a movie called 'The Woman'. From what I understand, it's the sequel to 'Offspring'.... therefore I thought I should watch this one first. 'The Woman' has gotten a lot of positive notice's and was directed by Lucky McKee with Angels Bettis starring in it. Perhaps I should start re-thinking my habit of being a "completionist". I could have lived my entire life without sitting through the movie 'Offspring'. 1) I'm not a fan of the zombie sub-genre of cannibalism. 2) I've not seen too many Ghost House Underground productions that I've enjoyed.... in fact, I can't even think of one right now. 3) With my Jack Ketchum track record, why would I put myself out on a limb to undertake another one? But I did it anyway and now I kind of regret it.

This movie is about a group of cannibal's that live in hiding near a very populated area. Somehow they've gone without being noticed for a long time. There is a police officer that has been tracking them, but with no luck. The cannibal's are in the middle of trying to kidnap a baby to steal its power. They end up at a home of a family and proceed to kill the family and only a visiting friend, her son and the families baby escape. They hide out in the forest behind the house and try and wait out the cannibalistic killers. The cops find out about the murder scene and soon everyone is trying to find the missing members of the family and the friends. The cannibal's proceed to kill a lot of people, the surviving family member's and the friends get kidnapped by the cannibal's and the rest is lame, so I won't bore you.
This movie tries to do something, I just don't know what it is? Is it a horror? Is it a crime drama? Is it a thriller? Is it a gore-fest? I just don't know. This was dull and uninspired filmmaking and I wonder why Jack Ketchum keeps putting his name on these things? I also wonder how in the hell this thing has a sequel coming out? One with a well known director and star and a recurring character from the first movie. It just shows that things get made regardless of quality or the public's taste. Perhaps I'm missing the point of this? Or perhaps I just wasn't in the mood for a cannibal movie? I mean, I was never a fan in the first place.... maybe that's it. I gave it 1 out of 5 stars as soon as it ended. I barely turned it off and I was already rating it. The problem is, once 'The Woman' comes out, I'm afraid that I'm going to want to see it. I really enjoy Lucky McKee's movies and I enjoy Angela Bettis's work, so what's a movie lover to do? I suppose we'll find out when that day comes. Until then, I'm going to stay away from the cannibal's and let the zombie's do the flesh chewing.

If you want a decent cannibalistic film, watch: 'Hunger' (2009), 'Ravenous' and 'Dumplings aka Gaau ji' (2004)

my very brief thoughts on.... 'The Gravedancers'

what happens when you take a lame concept, throw two B-grade actors amongst Z-grade actors, and then film it with mediocre special effects....? answer: 'The Gravedancers'....

this is one movie that i should have turned off when i realized exactly how bad it was becoming.... but for some reason i kept watching.... i suppose the masochistic side of me was thinking it might get better, however that never happened.... if anything, it just got worse and worse.... i mean, the concept alone is terrible.... three old friends go into a graveyard after the death of a friend and proceed to dance on the graves of three people.... they find out later that the three people were BAD people.... and they were in the BAD part of the cemetary.... and because they danced on their graves, the BAD people would be coming back from the grave to kill them within mere days of the dance.... the three BAD people are: a rapist, an axe murderer, and a pint-sized pyromaniac....
this movie comes off like a SyFy original presentation.... hell, those are better than this was.... i'm sure some people are out there that enjoyed this movie, but there are also people who really enjoyed 'Ernest Scared Stupid'.... i barely gave it 1 out of 5 stars.... i wish i could get my money back, but it was free OnDemand.... and time is something that you can never get back, even if you fly around the earth backwards really really fast.

if you like this, you should probably watch some SyFy original movies like: 'Anonymous Rex', 'Bloodsuckers', and 'Reign of the Gargoyles'

my very brief thoughts on.... '2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams'

Herschell Gordon Lewis set the standard for gore.... and he did it starting in the 60's....! before he came along, horror movies were fairly tame by today's standards.... they were starting down the path towards more horrific things, but Herschell saw a niche market out there and he filled it.... the blood was obviously fake and the guts and stuff were borrowed from other animals insides.... but regardless of that, i still find his movies a little difficult to watch at times.... like 'The Gore Gore Girls'.... what does that have to do with '2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams'....? well, it's the sequel to the remake of Herschell's 1964 classic '2000 Maniacs!'.... the original was just that, it was original.... the reamke had some of the same spirit, but it just never captured the magic.... for some reason though, they decided to make a sequel to the first one.... instead of Robert Englund ('A Nightmare on Elm Street' series) in the lead, they replaced his character with one played by Bill Moseley ('The Devil's Rejects').... they continued the storyline of the first one, with more of the southerners who killed the 'yankees' in the first one taking their show on the road to kill 'yankees' instead....
i love Bill Moseley and he does the best he can with his role in this movie, but it's just not a very good movie.... they attempt to re-create the type of gore that Herschell Gordon Lewis made famous, but they fall short of the mark.... it's a bit lame at times and i think that's kind of the point.... however, i was hoping for a little more.... they also include in the storyline some main characters ('yankees') who are very similar to those of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie during the 'Simple Life' years.... it's not subtle, as a matter of fact it's blatent.... i would've rather seen those two getting chopped up on camera, but that's too much to hope for.... all that being said, you can aready guess that i only gave it 1 out of 5 stars.... there was nothing worthwhile in this movie other than Bill Moseley.... but it's not worth the damage it will cause to watch this, just to enjoy the scenes he's in.... this is a sequel that should have just stayed in the back of someones mind as a bad idea.... instead of on DVD as a bad idea.

if you want to see where this all began, watch: 'Two Thousand Maniacs!' (1964), 'Blood Feast' (1963), or 'Color Me Blood Red' (1965)

my very brief thoughts on.... 'Pervert!'

the poster boasts that this is "the most outrageous movie ever made".... i was outraged all right.

i'm going to start this review with my rating of it: 1 out of 5 stars.... this was a movie where they took 1 part Cinemax midnight movie, 1 part Russ Meyer movie, 2 parts low budget schlock, and 1 part stop animation.... mix for an hour and change, throw directly in the toilet.... that's the recipie for this movie.... it looks fairly nice, i mean the cinematography is decent.... but the script is about as entertaining as the phone book.... the actors, if you can call them that, are just there as talking props.... the unknown killer that's revealed at the ending, is just plain stupid.... and the nudity is pointless and tiresome.... i guess it's a step up for Mary Carey.... instead of doing porn, she can show her range in a mainstream movie.... LOL
i doubt any of you will actually ever watch this, but just in case.... i won't give away the ending.... needless to say, it's piss poor even by low budget standards.... the story goes that a son comes home to his father's after being away at college.... his father is with a much younger woman, played by Mary Carey.... some stuff occurs, people start dying and the son begins to suspect his father.... meanwhile, the son is having an affair with the younger woman, right in front of his father's face.... almost literally.... they eventually find out who the real killer is and that's the point where you either turn it off or pause it to drink until you're blind and just don't care anymore about what you're seeing....

bad, bad, bad.

instead of this, watch: a Cinemax late night movie, a Russ Meyer movie or paint drying

my brief thoughts on.... 'Night of the Demons' (2009)

in 1988, Kevin Tenny directed a fun little flick called 'Night of the Demons'.... it's a cult classic and a film that gets brought up quite often in the horror forums.... it's was good in 1988 and it still holds up in 2011.... i heard of this remake after it was already done and about to come out.... i didn't know what to think.... i'll give every remake a day in court, as i believe that some of them are on par with the original and sometimes even better.... this was not one of those times....

this movie was about demons and a small group of people trying to survive the night in the mansion where the demons have trapped them and are trying to turn them all into demons.... sounds kind of good, right....? it's not.... the story is about a woman who hosts a Halloween party and after the cops raid the mansion where she's hosting the party, things happen and suddenly demons start attacking the remaining partygoers....
the script goes from bad to worse as the movie progresses.... it's full of holes and jumps in logic.... they try to create a backstory that will make the movie deeper than it is.... but it just doesn't work.... the demons look kind of cool and i was happy to see Edward Furlong in a movie again, but it's just so over the top and not very good.... not even bad good that i wouldn't recommend it to anyone.... i gave it 1 out of 5 stars.... and i know that i don't ever need to see it again.... oh and by the way, when Edward Furlong falls through the floor and down about 3 stories, he breaks his leg.... his femur to be exact.... and when Monica Keena repels down to help him, she takes his leg and 'pops' it back into place to splint it.... (he turns into a demon right away *spoiler*, so i guess this whole bit doesn't really matter).... note to the writer of the movie.... if someone breaks their femur and you attempt to re-set it in order to splint it, you can rip the femoral artery and the person will bleed out in about 2 minutes.... so what you've esentially done is given some horrible advice to potential hero's.... just one more strike against this lame remake.

watch: 'Night of the Demons' (1988), 'Night of the Demons 2' (1994), or '28 Days Later'.... those are much better alternate takes on the zombie genre....

my very brief thoughts on.... 'Cheerleader Autopsy'

i won't lie, this movie sucks.... sucks bad.... i mean, just by the title alone you can assume that.... but it was even worse then i expected.... super low budget, crappy special effects, terrible acting, bad, bad.... bad.... the premise involves a bus of cheerleaders on the way to a competition when their bus crashes and death ensues.... it's followed by a suicide.... then the bodies are all taken to the morgue, a crooked morgue where they sell the human meat to the local dog food factory.... anyway, if it's not bad enough, the special effects look like mannequin's with ketchup on them.... they don't even try to make them realistic.... and that makes this that much worse....
it's OnDemand if you want to submit yourself to this.... but make sure you're drinking heavily and maybe have some friends over to enjoy it with you.... i don't condone this action.... this movie has been known to cause blindness, stupidity, and rage in 4/5 people.... and the 5th one isn't paying attention anyway.... 1 out of 5 stars....

another movie to stay away from and one that has no equals.

my very brief thoughts on.... 'Someone's Knocking At The Door'

i will never know exactly what possesed me to watch this movie.... and i was so happy when it was over.... there was nothing redeeming about this movie.... there was nothing interesting about this movie.... there was nothing worthwhile about this movie.... it wasn't a pleasure to watch.... the script was godawful.... the directing was subpar at best.... the actors were horrific.... the plot was z-grade porno with a bit of blood and gore.... i don't even want to dignify this movie by explaining the plot (if there was one).... basically, it was a lot of gross out stuff and drugs.... the ending was predictible and lame as all get out.... i don't even know how in the hell this movie got funding.... let's hope this put the nail in the coffin for anyone involved from every making a movie again.... i'd rather watch beige paint dry than watch this again.... less than 1 out of 5 stars, if that was possible....!

rather than watch this.... get a vasectomy.

my very brief thoughts on.... 'Miner's Massacre' aka 'Curse of the Forty-Niner'

don't ask me why i even bothered adding this one to my Netflix OnDemand queue.... but i did.... i suppose i was hoping for a 'good/bad' movie.... but what i got was a 'bad/terrible' movie.... nothing about this was worthwhile.... not even Karen Black could save this movie.... it was pure and utter crap, from start to painful finish....
i won't even bore you with the plot.... well, maybe i will.... a miner (who's some kind of satanist) puts a curse on his gold so that if anyone takes any of it, he'll come back from the dead and kill them.... so some young people find it.... he comes back.... attaches a pick ax to his arm and proceeds to kill everybody.... that's it.... 1 out of 5 stars.... and yes, they left it open for a sequel.

if you put this in your queue.... you deserve what you get....

my very brief thoughts on.... 'Where the Wild Things Are'

this may get me some serious hate mail.... but i have to speak my mind.

'Where the Wild Things Are' was one of my favorite books as a child.... it sparked my interest in writing.... and it was the first script i ever wrote.... as i transposed it for the stage and it was put on at the local library.... i was a child at the time.... so you can see that i loved this story and was curious to see how Spike Jonze would bring it to the screen.... i got excited when i started seeing the stills.... and the reviews were all good.... so i got even more excited.... tonight i saw the movie.

this movie was depressing.... dark.... the soundtrack was done by Karen O and she was the wrong choice, the WRONG choice.... this was not a movie for kids.... not a movie for adults.... it was a big waste of money.... the boy who played Max was unlikeable and i hated the fact that he took such a beloved character and made him into a terrible brat with little to no redeeming qualities.... sure the wild things looked amazing.... but if you don't care about the main character and the way the movie was put together just makes me not care how good they looked.... i just kept hoping the movie would get better.... and the joy that i had with the book as a child would somehow leap off the screen, it never happened.... as a matter of fact, i just kept wanting it to end.... i'm sorry to all of you who felt this was a wonderful movie.... i just think that Spike Jonze missed the mark by a mile.... and turned the book into a sour tasting hateful lemon....
1 out of 5 stars.... and i don't recommend this to anyone.... i feel the loss of a wonderful childhood memory thanks to Mr. Jonze and his whiny, bratty, hateful, ADHD Max.... his dark and depressing storytelling.... and the artsy fartsy un-childlike background music by Miss Karen O.... oh and my kids didn't like it either.

don't watch this movie.... just read the book and leave it at that

my very brief thoughts on.... 'The Morgue'

imagine you're a screenwriter.... you've got a great idea for a movie.... so you write a script.... you get the money to get it produced.... you get not one, but TWO directors for it.... you get one name star.... and you make your dream movie.... your dream has now come true.... and that brilliant idea that started it all is now on celluloid for all the world to marvel at too.... amazing.

too bad it sucks.

this movie deserves less than 1 star, but that's not possible on Netflix.... and to be honest, i barely made it through this mess of a movie.... the only reason i even added it to the queue and was so quick to watch it was because of the fact that Heather Donahue (The Blair Witch Project) was getting top billing....! i couldn't wait to see her again.... little did i know what i was really in for.... good lord.... she only had about 20 minutes of screen time.... maybe total.... and i honestly i didn't care about any of the characters in this movie.... not even hers.... not even a little bit.... and what's the point of a horror movie or any movie if you don't give a rats ass about the characters involved....? i was hoping that maybe i'd get lucky, after about 15 minutes of the movie, that something would go drastically wrong at Netflix and i'd never be able to finish it.... oh well, that never happened....
here's the genius plot: a girl works at a morgue with only one other person, the nightwatchman. a family of 3 run out of gas and show up. two guys, who've been in an accident, show up. we keep getting flashbacks about a mortician who killed himself and has come back for his revenge. no one is safe. everything gets confusing and horribly edited. people start dying off one by one as the group tries to find a way to escape. but where's the nightwatchman? he's not the killer, but he's strangely missing and aloof. then the twist at the end happens. OOOO a twist.

do not waste one minute of your time to watch this.... stay away.... the twist is pulled off horribly.... it's kind of confusing at first.... and the script and editing job don't help things much.... honestly, who gives a damn anyway....? just thank god it's over.... i'm not demanding my time back.... i at least got to see Heather for awhile.... and she does so few movies it was nice.... but other than that.... garbage on film.... i have no idea why this was even made....? it should have stayed a script on someone's coffee table.... safe from the world.... anyway.... at least i can warn you.... don't even hope for the bad/good factor.... this is just bad/bad/bad.... 1 out of 5 stars, in case you didn't get that from my earlier comment.

in closing, it's like having your teeth pulled really slowly while under a mild sedation that causes things to be blurry.... but you still feel every pinch, pull and tug.... and your dentist is Stevie Wonder. got it....?

watch ANYTHING else.