Saturday, July 27, 2013

my thoughts on.... 'Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines'

Why in the heck do I keep watching these things? The first one was mediocre at best. The second was a bit of redemption for the series. The third and fourth were both garbage. Part 5, well, it was a whole new level of crap.

From the opening scenes of 'Bloodlines', you quickly realize how completely horrible this is going to be. I think that when *spoilers* the woman's hand is cut off and it opens to make the '5' in part 5.... I should have made the decision to shut it off right then. For whatever reason, I stuck it out. I tried so hard to find the good in this movie. Something that would restore what little faith I had. What I got instead, was a kick in the nuts. A hard kick in the nuts. The main characters were unlikable, the bad guys were even more so. It's as if everything in this movie was oozing with some kind of anti-charisma. However, at some point in my life, I made the decision that I would stick out every movie I watched. Because you never know when something will flip a switch or turn a corner and suddenly be the greatest movie ever made. But you would have missed it, because you gave up too soon! I didn't want to ever be that guy. Oh well, my mistake.

The basic story line here, if you can call it a story, is this: A group of college students, go on a trip for the Mountain Man Festival on Halloween in West Virginia. The festival is similar to Coachella or Burning Man or any of those big festivals going on these days. The big difference is that it allows the insane, inbred killers to walk around freely.... unnoticed by the general population. By a freak accident, the college students encounter the group of cannibals, who want to save their cousin from jail. The only reason he's in jail, is because of the freak accident. Soon they're in a fight for their lives as they try to keep the cousin in jail and themselves from being eaten.

By the way, the scene on the cover of the DVD.... it never happens in the movie.

Are you interested to watch it now? I sure hope not.

Everything about this movie is wrong. Everything about it is cliched and dumb. This is what's wrong with horror film making today. There is no soul here. It's just an attempt at a cash grab, with a failing franchise that is on its last leg. They got no name actors to fill in the parts. They spent all of their money on Doug Bradley (Pinhead from the 'Hellraiser' franchise) and he does the best with what he has. I would go so far as to say that he's the ONLY reason to watch this train wreck. The characters make stupid decisions which lead to their stupid deaths. The cruelty and viciousness that the inbreds dispatch with the students is horrible. It's like a car accident that you can't turn your head a way from. The budget left over after hiring Doug, made it difficult to make this movie seem realistic. They basically are on a closed set for 80% of the movie and it's obvious. The lighting crew tried to hide that fact, but it's so blazingly obvious that only Stevie Wonder might miss it. It's also very clear that they couldn't afford to pay the cast for the whole shoot, as they all vanish after the first act. The streets of this city are basically abandonded. The reason? The music festival. Yeah.... whatever. They also seem to be suffering from a severe lack of cell phones and modes of transportation. Also, they're fighting 3 inbreds over 1 other inbred. How can 3 inbreds take out about 7 - 10 young and healthy people, one of whom has access to a police station full of weapons!?!? The other thing is, why didn't they just leave right away? If the sheriff was aware of how much of a ghost town it would be once the festival started, why wouldn't she take that as a hint to hot foot it out of there? It was very obvious, very quickly that she was in deep doo doo. Why not cut your losses and run? Why was the make up so bad that I could clearly see they were wearing masks?

By the end of this movie, I had basically given up. The make up was piss poor. The script was about as entertaining as reading the phone book. Nothing about this movie made me glad that I wasted the time on it! Then, to top it all off, the last girl left.... makes the dumbest decisions ever. And she continues to make them until the credits roll. It's like she was dropped on her head as a child and as a result.... she became an idiot. Ugh. Just writing about this movie is dropping my IQ.

In summary, don't watch this. Nuff' said. This is the final nail in the 'Wrong Turn' coffin, I hope. I don't think that the world could survive a sixth one. 2 out of 5 stars and the 2 I did give it were solely for Doug Bradley, nothing else. And one final thing: (*spoilers*) everyone dies and the one, stupid girl that remains.... is doomed to be raped by 4 inbred serial murderers in North Carolina. WOW! That sounds fantastic! Not.

If you are looking for something else to watch: 'Wrong Turn 2' (if you HAVE to watch one of them), 'The Hills Have Eyes' (either of them/ original or remake) and 'Mutants'

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