my brief thoughts on.... 'Zombie Strippers'

as dedicated readers of my blog, you know of my love for zombies.... you may also have gathered that i stay away from a lot of zombie movies because they're really low budget and look like crap.... this one made it on my radar, but was ignored because it looked pretty terrible.... the only thing that kept me interested was the fact that Robert Englund was in it.... that still wasn't enough to get me to watch it.... even it being OnDemand didn't light my fire.... however, when a friend recommended that i watch this.... i couldn't say, "No." any longer.... so i loaded up the queue, grabbed some snacks, and fired up the Netflix.... an hour and a half later, i was satisfied and spent.... what a fun little ride.... i felt bad with myself for passing judgement before having seen it and making a decision for myself.... needless to say, that won't happen again.... i may wait for a bit to watch something until my bias is gone.... but that doesn't mean i won't ever watch something.... anyway.... this movie is a complete farce.... it's all tongue in cheek and that's what makes it damn fun.... i mean, you have a porn star in the lead, what'd you expect....?

this movie opens with a hilariously bad action sequence and that leads to one of the infected to escape and make it to a strip club.... once he's there, he begins to infect people inside.... one of them is a stripper who, once she's a zombie, begins to dance and drives all the men wild.... realizing the marketing potential, Robert Englund's sleazy manager begins to exploit the zombie stripper.... the only problem is that they have to sacrifice someone to her to keep her happy.... then others begin to turn and soon things are out of control.... but how does it end....? let's just say it gets messy....
i tend to judge the quality or re-watchability of a movie by if i'll want it in my DVD library or not.... and what zombie DVD collection is complete without 'Zombie Strippers'....? i say that it isn't complete if this title is missing.... you've got strippers and blood, guts, and gore.... it's got comedy and action.... it has a whole lot going for it.... regardless of that, i still only gave it 3 out of 5 stars.... it was a fun movie, but not a great movie.... it's still a low budget, exploitation, zombie movie.... however, it's a darn enjoyable one.... it's available to rent or watch OnDemand, so everyone can be happy.... you've got no reason not to watch it....! just check out the trailer and you'll see what i'm talking about.... and take it from a zombie aficionado, this one is a winner.... and something i will be watching again, possibly even tonight.

if you like this and want other zombie comedies, check out: 'Shaun of the Dead', 'Tokyo zonbi aka Tokyo Zombie', and 'The Last of the Living' (2008)

my extremely brief thoughts on.... 'Samurai purinsesu: Gedô-hime aka The Samurai Princess'

i'm going to keep this short.... this movie looked promising, but sucked big time ass.... it's shot on a really low budget, with piss-poor special effects.... just stay away like the plague.... even though it's available OnDemand, don't waste your time.... just look at the poster at the top of this post.... it's better than the movie.

1 out of 5 stars.... and that's being generous.

if you want a gory, Japanese movie, watch: 'Tokyo Gore Police', 'The Machine Girl', or 'Stacey'

my very brief thoughts on.... 'Cheerleader Autopsy'

i won't lie, this movie sucks.... sucks bad.... i mean, just by the title alone you can assume that.... but it was even worse then i expected.... super low budget, crappy special effects, terrible acting, bad, bad.... bad.... the premise involves a bus of cheerleaders on the way to a competition when their bus crashes and death ensues.... it's followed by a suicide.... then the bodies are all taken to the morgue, a crooked morgue where they sell the human meat to the local dog food factory.... anyway, if it's not bad enough, the special effects look like mannequin's with ketchup on them.... they don't even try to make them realistic.... and that makes this that much worse....
it's OnDemand if you want to submit yourself to this.... but make sure you're drinking heavily and maybe have some friends over to enjoy it with you.... i don't condone this action.... this movie has been known to cause blindness, stupidity, and rage in 4/5 people.... and the 5th one isn't paying attention anyway.... 1 out of 5 stars....

another movie to stay away from and one that has no equals.

my very brief thoughts on.... 'Teenape Goes To Camp'

who doesn't like a good/bad movie....?!?! (well, some people don't i guess.) i love em'....! and i've stayed away from LBP: Low Budget Productions movies because they look bad/bad not good/bad.... when 'Teenape Goes To Camp' came up on Netflix OnDemand, i decided it was time to give it a go.... the reviews were poor, the comments were poor and very little was positive.... however, the thought of a dude in a gorilla mask talking like a stereotyped urban dweller and the chance to see some of the worst sex scenes in movie history.... how could i say no....? and boy, i wasn't sorry.... granted this was not high art and walked a thin line between good/bad and bad/bad, it ended up being worth my barely over 1 hour running time to watch it.... it's so incredibly stupid and over the top that it's dumb fun.... i would recommend you watch it alone, as it's not something you want your friends to find out you're watching.... trust me.
there are so many things wrong with this movie, but a lot of them have to do with budget constraints.... the script is piss poor, but that adds to the charm.... the characters are WAY over the top and half of them don't even make sense.... the acting is TERRIBLE.... the "action" sequences at the climax of the movie are laughable.... all that being said, would i watch another Teenape movie....? HECK YEAH....! something about it is so charming.... and i can't pinpoint what it is, it's just fun and stupid.... i honestly think that's what the filmaker was intending.... i don't think anyone ever set out to make a good movie.... i think it's just a bunch of overgrown adult kids with a camera and a lot of extra time.... either way, watch it.... if you can make it all the way to the end, you might just thank me....

if you like this, dig around.... these guys have made some other movies that i'm sure are equally as bad.

my very brief thoughts on.... 'Someone's Knocking At The Door'

i will never know exactly what possesed me to watch this movie.... and i was so happy when it was over.... there was nothing redeeming about this movie.... there was nothing interesting about this movie.... there was nothing worthwhile about this movie.... it wasn't a pleasure to watch.... the script was godawful.... the directing was subpar at best.... the actors were horrific.... the plot was z-grade porno with a bit of blood and gore.... i don't even want to dignify this movie by explaining the plot (if there was one).... basically, it was a lot of gross out stuff and drugs.... the ending was predictible and lame as all get out.... i don't even know how in the hell this movie got funding.... let's hope this put the nail in the coffin for anyone involved from every making a movie again.... i'd rather watch beige paint dry than watch this again.... less than 1 out of 5 stars, if that was possible....!

rather than watch this.... get a vasectomy.

my brief thoughts on.... 'Paranormal Entity'

i've stayed away from the ripoffs of popular films, ever since i saw some of 'Tranmorphers'.... blech.... this appeared to be one of those "mockbusters".... however, i thought that i'd give it a shot.... i mean, how bad could it be....? well, i stand corrected.... this was actually pretty well done and although it felt a lot like 'Paranormal Activity', it was still its own movie.... and a pretty good one at that.... the story is pretty different.... a bit more violent.... and creepy.... the acting was above par for your average straight to DVD release.... the effects were well done, what few there were.... i honestly felt chills a few times.... this is available OnDemand right now.... and i would ask that you consider watching it.... it just proves that not all of these types of films are bad....

here's the plot.... footage is found in the attic of a home where multiple murders occured and only one man survived, who was accused of the crimes.... these videos are put together to make the movie.... as evidence of what happened....
i gave it 3 out of 5 stars.... i think it was a nice bookend to 'Paranormal Activity' and something that if you like that type of faux-real-footage type of movie, this may be for you.... i don't know if i'd need to own this or ever watch it again.... however, i don't regret watching it.... it was good enough, that i would almost believe that this and 'Paranormal Activity' was shot at the same time and just happened to have similar plots.... and that one wasn't trying to copy the other.... but i really doubt that.... anyway.... check it out while you can.... you may be pleasently surprised....!

if you like this, watch: 'Paranormal Activity', 'Paranormal Acticity 2' and 'The Blair Witch Project'

my very brief thoughts on.... 'Miner's Massacre' aka 'Curse of the Forty-Niner'

don't ask me why i even bothered adding this one to my Netflix OnDemand queue.... but i did.... i suppose i was hoping for a 'good/bad' movie.... but what i got was a 'bad/terrible' movie.... nothing about this was worthwhile.... not even Karen Black could save this movie.... it was pure and utter crap, from start to painful finish....
i won't even bore you with the plot.... well, maybe i will.... a miner (who's some kind of satanist) puts a curse on his gold so that if anyone takes any of it, he'll come back from the dead and kill them.... so some young people find it.... he comes back.... attaches a pick ax to his arm and proceeds to kill everybody.... that's it.... 1 out of 5 stars.... and yes, they left it open for a sequel.

if you put this in your queue.... you deserve what you get....

my very brief thoughts on.... 'The Morgue'

imagine you're a screenwriter.... you've got a great idea for a movie.... so you write a script.... you get the money to get it produced.... you get not one, but TWO directors for it.... you get one name star.... and you make your dream movie.... your dream has now come true.... and that brilliant idea that started it all is now on celluloid for all the world to marvel at too.... amazing.

too bad it sucks.

this movie deserves less than 1 star, but that's not possible on Netflix.... and to be honest, i barely made it through this mess of a movie.... the only reason i even added it to the queue and was so quick to watch it was because of the fact that Heather Donahue (The Blair Witch Project) was getting top billing....! i couldn't wait to see her again.... little did i know what i was really in for.... good lord.... she only had about 20 minutes of screen time.... maybe total.... and i honestly i didn't care about any of the characters in this movie.... not even hers.... not even a little bit.... and what's the point of a horror movie or any movie if you don't give a rats ass about the characters involved....? i was hoping that maybe i'd get lucky, after about 15 minutes of the movie, that something would go drastically wrong at Netflix and i'd never be able to finish it.... oh well, that never happened....
here's the genius plot: a girl works at a morgue with only one other person, the nightwatchman. a family of 3 run out of gas and show up. two guys, who've been in an accident, show up. we keep getting flashbacks about a mortician who killed himself and has come back for his revenge. no one is safe. everything gets confusing and horribly edited. people start dying off one by one as the group tries to find a way to escape. but where's the nightwatchman? he's not the killer, but he's strangely missing and aloof. then the twist at the end happens. OOOO a twist.

do not waste one minute of your time to watch this.... stay away.... the twist is pulled off horribly.... it's kind of confusing at first.... and the script and editing job don't help things much.... honestly, who gives a damn anyway....? just thank god it's over.... i'm not demanding my time back.... i at least got to see Heather for awhile.... and she does so few movies it was nice.... but other than that.... garbage on film.... i have no idea why this was even made....? it should have stayed a script on someone's coffee table.... safe from the world.... anyway.... at least i can warn you.... don't even hope for the bad/good factor.... this is just bad/bad/bad.... 1 out of 5 stars, in case you didn't get that from my earlier comment.

in closing, it's like having your teeth pulled really slowly while under a mild sedation that causes things to be blurry.... but you still feel every pinch, pull and tug.... and your dentist is Stevie Wonder. got it....?

watch ANYTHING else.

my brief thoughts on.... 'Thankskilling'

this movie is AWESOME....! i'll start out by telling you that i gave it 4 out of 5 stars.... this movie is so freaking fun and funny that i can't help but love it.... it's on par with some of the best of the Troma movies.... it's terrible, however it's terrible in a wonderful way.... i mean it's about a killer turkey....!!!! how can you not love this....?!?! the turkey talks and has one liners out the butt.... he swears like a sailor.... and this movie starts out crazy and just keeps going from there.... i mean the start of the movie involves a pilgrim woman with her breasts hanging out being chased by the killer turkey and he says his one liner and then kills her.... it's amazingly strange and enjoyable.... it's obvious that the turkey is a giant puppet.... the filmakers don't even try to hide it.... the scenes are over the top and gross and odd.... things that you would never think of happening, happen in this movie.... like a turkey having sex.... a turkey using a shotgun.... a turkey getting pissed on by a dog.... have i peaked your interest yet....? if not, why the hell not....!?!? go add this to your queue NOW....! it's OnDemand.... you can watch it tonight if you want....!

a powerful native american shamen creates this turkey to avenge the wrongs that have happened to his people.... and every 505 years the turkey comes back to exact more revenge.... and 5 kids on Thanksgiving break just happen upon the demonic turkey and the hunt is on.... he slowly tracks them down one by one (i have no idea how.) and kills off the kids.... and after each one or during it, there's always a silly one liner....
i think that the writer just got high and had fun with this.... he had no boundries and just let everything fly.... just look at the poster and you'll understand.... one of my favorite scenes involves one of the kids father, who is a sheriff.... the turkey comes to the house with Groucho glasses and a nose on and the sheriff thinks he's one of the friends of his kid.... they have coffee and talk.... it's a strange scene.... and why the sheriff never notices that this is a giant talking turkey, i'll never know.... and then he kills the sheriff and makes his face into a mask.... and puts on his hat.... when the kids come to the house to try and find a book on how to kill the turkey, they don't notice that the turkey is already in the house and dressed up like the sheriff....?!?! it's hilarious....! i cannot recommend this enough to fans of good/bad movies.... Troma movies.... and just dumb movies in general.... this one is a winner in a big way.... so stop reading this and go spend the one hour and six minutes required to watch the whole movie and then come back and say thank you when you're done.... end of story.

there is nothing else quite like this, except movies in the Troma catalog.

my brief thoughts on.... 'Hit and Run'

i think this movie was mistitled.... it should have been called 'Dumb'.... plain and simple.... i don't know how much more clearly i can put it.... this movie was silly and pointless.... and not in a fun way.... but damned if i wasn't transfixed throughout the whole movie.... i couldn't stop watching it no matter how terrible it became.... and it just kept getting worse and worse.... i kept hoping that things would turn around, however that was wishful thinking.... it starts out with a bang, literally.... it keeps seeming like it's going to end, but it just keeps going and going and going.... and just when you think that you've seen the dumbest part of the movie, it gets even dumber.... it's basically turd in a DVD case.... (well, it's OnDemand.... so a turd OnDemand.)

here's the story, if you can call it one.... a young woman on spring break leaves a bar, swerves to miss something in the road, hits a man with her car and doesn't realize it.... so she goes home and later in the evening finds out that a man is impaled on the front of her jeep.... so she checks on him and he grabs her, she freaks out and hits him with a golf club and thinks she's killed him.... and not sure what to do, she goes and buries the body in a shallow grave.... the only person she tells is her boyfriend.... soon he's involved.... and when they go back to get the blanket she wrapped the body in, because of fear of getting caught.... her boyfriend gets there first and when she arrives, he's dead.... the man is gone.... and then the man attacks her.... he straps her to the front of the jeep and begins to terrorize her.... it just goes downhill from there.... or i guess i should say, further downhill....
this movie has no point.... no good plot.... no suspense.... no horror.... it's just a big ball of poop.... there's nothing redeeming about it.... i kind of wish i never watched it.... but maybe you'd enjoy it....? it was not recommended to me by a friend, however i didn't listen and took the time to watch it anyway.... time i'll never get back.... and how Kevin Corrigan got involved in this i'll never know.... i thought he was better than that.... and the ending....? i think the writer had a heart attack and died and they got a monkey to finish the script.... honestly.... stay away.... for the love of god, stay away.... 2 out of 5 stars only because i couldn't stop watching it no matter how bad it got....

if you would rather watch a better version of this, watch: 'Stuck'