Showing posts with label piece of garbage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label piece of garbage. Show all posts

Saturday, December 15, 2012

my thoughts on.... 'Apartment 143'

Good lord, where do I begin? First off, I really dig the 'found footage' movies that are out there. There have been a few pieces of garbage, but overall, they're pretty solid. 'Apartment 143' was suggested to me by a friend and falls vaguely into the 'found footage' sub-genre. Secondly, It was billed as a 'Paranormal Activity', but with the action those films were missing. Sadly, it was missing all the good stuff from those films and the action they were talking about was horrible.... at best. It showed its low budget shortcomings loud and clear. I've seen countless films that had little to no budget that have pulled off amazing things. This one obviously had some money behind it, but they must have spent it on milky white contacts, instead of a good script or decent actors. Everything felt stiff. It was like watching paint drying on cardboard. This movie was really just an exercise in trying to cash in on a proven sub-genre. The only really new things it brought to the table were.... nothing.

The plot was centered around a guy and his two kids that moved to an apartment. The house they used to live in became haunted after his wife (the kids mother) died suddenly. However, once they moved.... the spirt moved with them. So, they got involved with a paranormal investagative team and soon the team was hunting ghosts. There's some vague sub-plot about murder and possilbe incest. None of it ever really goes anywhere. There is some backstory with the investagators that is bland and unfinished. That's about it. Good guys win.... or do they?

All in all, this movie was a turd. Maybe I missed the hidden nuggets of candy that were wedged in the middle of the movie? Maybe I was not in the right mindset to watch a movie of this type? Maybe it just sucked? I think so. I didn't care about the characters. I lost interest in the movie after about 20 minutes in. The special effects were poor. They location was okay, but there are tons of apartments out there that are kind of creepy. And to top everthing off, there's a little 'surprise' at the end. I only wish I'd turned it off before that part happened. It made an already terrible movie, that much worse.

I think what the reviewer must have missed about the difference between this movie and the 'PA' films was the stuff you didn't see. I hear that said a lot about movies and films that rely on your brain over CGI. 'PA' is so successful because it plays on our fears and only we know what those fears are. So, if you have a fear of spirits or the things that go bump in the night, then you can relate to the films. And since you never really see what's haunting the characters in the film, then you can make that horror anything you want. 'Apartment 143' laid all its card on the table and left you with no room to imagine the horror within. Because what you are afraid of in your mind is FAR scarier than anything a guy behind a computer can create. But if you are someone that has to SEE the scary parts, the maybe 'Grave Encounters' is more for you. It falls into the same sub-genre as 'Apartment 143 and the 'PA' films. It also shows you the stuff you're scared of. The big difference between 'Apartment 143' and 'Grave Encounters' is, the ghosts in 'GE' are unique and actually quite frightening. There's suspense and terror there. 'Apartment 143' just re-hashed every ghostly cliche you've ever seen. Another one that is in the same boat is 'Paranormal Entity'. It's really just a 'PA' knock-off, but it succeeds on so many more levelas that 'Apartment 143'. It feels like something you've seen before, but it still creates tension and horror. I'd recommend that one over this one any day of the week. That's it.... plain and simple. 'Apartment 143'....it sucked.

All in all, I give 'Apartment 143' a 1 out of 5 star rating. It's a ghost story with no real scares and no re-watchability. If you decide to watch it, keep your expectations low and you bottle of Jack Daniels even closer.

Other films that 'Apartment 143' wanted to be like: 'Paranormal Activity' 1 through 4, 'Grave Encounters' and 'Paranormal Entitiy'

Saturday, January 28, 2012

my very brief thoughts on.... 'Parents' (1989)

If you just read my review of 'The Stuff', you might remember some of the nice things I said about it and the nostalgia of watching an 80's film.... none of that applies here. NONE OF THAT.

I am so unsure of what to write in this review. I have stayed away from 'Parents' (1989) for so long, as I always heard about how much of a "cult classic" it was and every review had good things to say. I have no freakin' clue what movie they were watching, but it couldn't have been this. I loathe this movie, if you can even call it that. I am still not 100% sure why in the hell I sat through the whole thing. It wasn't funny, it wasn't darkly comic, it wasn't a drama, it wasn't really horror, it wasn't really much of anything. The last time I was this ticked off about watching something was after I sat through 'Very Bad Things'. (man, that one SUCKED too!) Maybe I'm missing the point of this movie? I don't think so. I mean, I am a student of all things film. I love to watch anything and everything and have dedicated a good portion of my life to films. This however, is just so terrible that I have to warn you all to stay as far away from it as possible. It's like washing the blood off your hands after a murder, they just won't come clean. I can only dream of getting my hour and a half back. I did, however, sit through the entire thing (in the hopes it might redeem itself af the end) and tried really hard to get into it. It just has no point. None. Zero.

Here is the, so-called, plot: (taken from IMDB.com) "Michael Laemie (played by Brian Madorsky) is a young boy living in a typical 1950's suburbanite home... except for his bizarre and horrific nightmares, and continued unease around his parents. Especially his father, Nick Laemie (played by Randy Quaid). Young Michael begins to suspect his parents are cooking more than just hamburgers on the grill outside, but has trouble explaining his fears to his new-found friend Sheila, or the school's social worker." What are they cooking you might ask? Human meat. Yup, they're cannibals. That is the whole thing in a nutshell.I am assuming that this first full length movie directed by Bob Balaban, was supposed to be some kind of dark satire. (and for those of you who don't know Bob Balaban, I think of him more as an actor.... look him up, you'll know exactly who he is) I kept trying to get some kind of subtext in the screenwriting about the 50's or the 80's or the dark comedy angle, but if it's there it must really be hidden. I couldn't see anything in all of the images and storyline that was anything more than a family in crisis. Two, not very good, parents who feed their child human flesh. A child that has horrific nightmares about this parents and see's them doing strange things and becomes suspicious. A counsler that doesn't buy into it all until it's too late and a bit of blood and guts. There isn't anything charming or enjoyable about watching this. The characters aren't likable, the lead is annoying, the script is boring at best and it just has an overall negative feel to it. It's kind of like watching a news story about puppies being killed for thier fur. You want to know why anyone would do that, but instead.... you just get to hear about and see puppies being turned into fur and no ending in sight. No explanation. Nothing at all. And in my opinion, I guess it's better that way. I really could care less about this family or anything to do with them.

So, here we are at the end of it all. I don't like to give anything a '0' star rating, but I can't in good faith give this anything but that. It's time I will never regain and a memory that bleach won't remove. It's 0 our of 5 stars and that's being generous. I don't know how this movie got made or why the people involved were involved in the first place. I have nothing good to say about this movie and I really like Randy Quaid and Bob Balaban.... I really do. Let's just move on from this disaster and stuff it away in the back part of our memories and try to block it out. I only hope that Hollywood doesn't ever get the bright idea to remake it. I don't think I could tolerate a world with two versions of this fiasco.

If you watch this, I can't compare it to anything else. I will merely recommend that you don't watch it and just punch yourself in the groin for an hour instead. (that goes for you too, ladies.)

Monday, September 5, 2011

my very brief thoughts on.... 'Murder Loves Killers Too'

I'll keep this short and simple, as I need a jump off point to start writing more serious reviews. 'Murder Loves Killers Too' is not good. The killer is uninteresting. We don't care about the characters. The plot is thin. The movie starts out with kills and just keeps going. This is just a pointless, stupid, waste of time. I put it in Netflix with a 1 out of 5 star review, but it really deserves less. I cannot believe that I even wasted time on this piece of garbage. Crap, crap, crap.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

my brief thoughts on.... 'Birdemic: Shock and Terror'

don't see this movie. i can't make it any clearer than that....

but if you want a reason why not to see it, read on.... overall, i gave it 1 out of 5 stars, only because Netflix won't let me put 0 out of 5 stars.... i haven't felt like i've wasted my movie watching time this much in a long time.... i think the only reason this movie is being viewed by anyone is because of the horrific reputation it's getting as being one of the worst movies ever made.... but regardless of that, the directer is being interviewed left and right and probably making a bit of cash off this giant piece of steaming crap.... there is not ONE good thing that i can say about this, not ONE.... there are such things as 'good/bad' movies.... movies that are so bad that they suddenly become good.... this one somehow managed to side step that problem in a big way.... the acting is beyond sub-par.... it's like cardboard cut-outs with overdubbing from some insane foreign film.... the special effects were made on a Commodore 64 that was trasported from 1987.... nothing matches up or makes sense with the "birds" of this movie.... the fight scenes seemed to be staged by a blind man with no opposable thumbs.... the pacing of the movie is set on s-l-o-w, i could have justified shutting it off just because of that.... and the ending....???? i suppose it was conceived out of the necessitiy to end the movie whether it made sense or not.... the only redeeming quality in this hunk of junk is the leading lady.... and it's not her acting talents.... she's pretty, that's it.... so if you want something nice to stare at for an hour and a half, you can watch this tradgedy of a movie or you can just hop on the internet and look at all the pretty girls you want without the torture....
i'm sorry if anyone that was involved in this movie reads this blog and is offended.... but did you ever think that this was honestly going to be a good movie....? really....?!?! and after all is said and done, it's too late to go back now and get my wasted time back.... take it as a lesson learned, "If the movie poster looks like it was made on MS Paint, it's probably a strong indicator that the movie itself will be made with the same level of craftmanship."

please save yourself the pain and agony of this movie and watch a vasectomy operation instead.